Covering our tracks

Thanks to our new baby burner (we would have needed adult supervision if I had bought the normal size) all evidence identifying me as the mystery woman who was responsible for the break up of Jonny Depp, Brad Pitt - but not yet Chris Hemsworth's - relationships has been destroyed. No one will ever know they fell for my ugly veggie mince pasties and burnt beans on toast, my collection of sea pottery, my velvet sofa cushions, my insatiable thirst for gin and shameless dancing in the coop. I mean put all that together and it's an unforgetable night out by anyone's standards.

But back to our new burning flame toy. We imagine there is an industrial size bigly version of it in Trump's back garden and similar garden features in the homes of Tony Blair, David Mundell, Alistair Carmichael, George Osborne, Ruth Davidson, Michael Gove, Jim Murphy (we are fundilymundily certain of this one), Alistair Darling, Nigel Farage, OJ Simpson, Bill Cosbie, David Cameron, hedge fund managers the world over, Rupert Murdoch, every single Daily Mail and Sun journalist, columnist, editor or owner, i could go on.....