ephemeral

i always say my favorite thing about life is how futile it is. this sounds like sarcasm, or some sort of weird joke. but it's not. the pointlessness of it all is really kind of beautiful - everything is ephemeral, and the daily things that seem to hold great weight will matter not at all once we and everyone who knew us is gone.

so it's kind of funny i guess, but i like to stop and reconsider all the things in my life every once in a while based on the above premise. i don't say no to much, as i think most opportunities are worth trying. and i can't seem to hold on to any regret - everything has taught me something.

i sometimes think about where i'm going with all this business, but i can't really, because i don't know and i never really have. i just try to find the places i like and the people i enjoy and go where those are.

i'm trying to steer away from the abstractions of the past week for a few days. sometimes i have to come up for air from my blurred fiction/non-fiction/collage-style headspace.

people are so crazy, so different, life is so fragile and small and huge and resilient at the same time. and it's meaningless you know? but that's empowering in a way. you can do whatever you want.

my favorite things in life are the ones you can't control.

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some people are genuinely good at solitude. i don't mean they're not social people - the opposite can often be true, in fact. i am good with people, i love them. i enjoy a drink out with friends, giving tours all day, watching bad reality television on the couch with my mom.

but i think i have a deeply rooted comfort in oneness - the act of being alone - and i never get tired of it, really. it is a skill that grew out of experience, and one few people guess i have.

there is something great though, about this - that feeling of solitary seeking knowledge, 2a walks, looking for beauty in small places. time to dwell, time to think.

i don't know if i know where i'm going with this anymore, but i do know that i think it's best to just accept the things that you can't control. including the things that reside deep within you.

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back to austin tomorrow. grad school, reality, etc. i can't wait for christmas vacation.