Starting Over

Dear Fat Pete & Princess Normal,

You might find this hard to believe, but after all the stress, emotion and kerfuffle of the last month, today has been relatively calm and sanguine.

I think it is because we got all the stress and emotion out of the way by Wednesday. There was only the kerfuffle left to deal with today. This manifested itself as last minute packing, last minute realising we* had too many beauty products and shoes to pack and last minute sending your husband to the post office to send said items.

After that, our lovely landlady Susan came bustling around to check out the flat and to tell us how awesome we are as tenants. Then it was off to pick up Shetland Dad so that we could go to the station and wait for our train to London. It was surprisingly emotional. I even got a hug. In all the years I've known him, he's always been a Firm Handshake man. You wouldn't think that he would be seeing us again in 2 months when HE emigrates.

The train journey down was GREAT. The nice people in first class brought us Chicken Curry and let's face it, that was always bound to win me over. The loveliness continued with our taxi driver from King's Cross to the Sofitel Heathrow who kept us laughing the whole way. The only sombre moment was when he drove us past Grenfell Tower. It looked bleak and horrible, a terrible reminder of the grim work still going on there.

Sofitel itself is amazing. My blip doesn't do it justice. I don't remember saying "Eff it, let's spend lots of money" back in June when I booked this place but evidently I did. It's the sort of place where I feel like I should sleep in all my clothes because I'm too scuzzy and yuck to sleep in nice sheets in a nice room like this. Er Indoors seems much more in her element. She's a classy lady. Maybe I'll sleep on the floor.

So yes, all good so far starting out on our new adventure with nothing major to report. The only thing I need to tell you two about is the follow up to Er Indoors's dinner with the Bossy Aussie on Tuesday night. The Bossy Aussie is in our group of friends but - I'm going to sound mean saying this so I'm just going to say it - I've always found her annoying. I'm a terrible person, I know, I know.

The thing about Bossy Aussie is that she's always an expert about EVERYTHING and loves to tell you this. Anyway, she has recently come out as bisexual and so - according to Er Indoors - she's now an EXPERT about sex as well. And - according to her - unless you're sleeping with both sexes then - come on, really - you're just not doing it right.

See what I mean? Bossy.

Look, here's the thing. I don't have strong feelings about these things. You can do what you like with your bits and pieces. You can be with women, you can be with men, you have them pierced, tattooed, slam them between the pages of a book, stick them in a waffle-iron, I'm not one to judge. But going ON about it? That makes it boring. It's reducing naughty whoopie action to the level of a lecture on taxation or a discussion on carpet-weaving in Belgium. Yawn.

But Bossy Aussie is oblivious to this. A whole new world of bi action has been opened to her and now she wants to discuss it. A lot. Apparently she is into "pegging" now.

"I just threw that into the conversation to see if you'd know what it is," she said (according to Er Indoors).

Er Indoors wanted to say, "Errrr.. actually there is this thing called the 'internet'... and it's not like you invented it." But she held her tongue.

However, this did prompt Er Indoors to text her mate about it. And as it turns out, her friend didn't know. Er Indoors sent a brief explanatory text. "OMG. I thought you meant she enjoyed camping," replied poor innocent friend.

That last story has NOTHING to do with emigration. But you two know me and you know why I HAD to tell you right? I laughed until I cried when Er Indoors told me that. And hopefully I have now spread the joy.

Although maybe "spread the joy" wasn't the best choice of words there. Oh well.

S.

* I think you know who I am talking about here.