First Bath

I washed my car for the first time today. I've had her for two months, and the weather's been so atrocious that she has been pounded by rain and muck. I normally take cars to the jet wash, but as she's new, I figured for the first few goes I will do it myself.

It took about an hour, outside in the damp. But although it was hard graft, and I wanted to give up, I was pleased with the end result. The trick now is to avoid rainstorms and puddles! 

I had a second date tonight with a guy I met last weekend. I was really looking forward to it. We met pretty close to my hometown, which I really didn't want to do, but I am trying to face 'uncomfortable feelings' and push myself beyond my comfort zone. Having been pretty nervous and perhaps holding more expectation, I felt funny and didn't enjoy it as much as last weekend. I think a lot of that was the location, I just didn't want to be there. 

I find myself looking for reasons not to like him, rather than just allowing myself to be in the moment. But as much as I am realistic, and I genuinely want to move on and do the things I want to do, my thoughts regularly turn to what could have been, and with whom. I think it's because it's comforting, and I'm really afraid of new. 

I still, in lots of ways, want to turn back the clock. And yet I know that those thoughts are unhelpful. I'm not so in that place that it's spoiling my life anymore, I think, but it's hard to imagine feeling that way about anybody else again. And yet logic would tell you that you can, and will. 

It's nice to imagine a future with somebody. It's exciting, and fills me with optimism. But I'm edgy. And I think A would tell me that unconsciously I am so terrified of getting hurt again, that I'm trying to sabotage it so that that won't happen.

We messaged after we got home last night, and I said I'd like to meet up again next weekend, which he would like to do as well. So I am trying to ignore my own feelings and try to just see where it goes. 

But part of me wants to just be with T. Silly really. I will surely get left behind if I keep this up.