Boat and thoughts

Another harbour image. Who would have thought the weather would turn that nicely after such a wet start.

I haven't written about my grief for a while.

It still seems to be unreal - one part of me knows he is dead but the other part still expects him to come home any minute. Most of the time, I manage the days on auto-pilot - sort of watching myself doing stuff but not really being present. This must be a joke, really, where is the hidden camera? And when my mind is a bit clearer, the reality kicks in...and I completely panick..this is my life now? Without him? What @&%* # shit...

I cannot plan, haven't got a clue how I should get on, cannot think too far ahead. So I am pottering along...day by day...

Death is out of our control, very difficult to digest, in particular when you are a person who believed that through hard work (sometimes luck) things eventually fall into place. You cannot bargain with death. We always said, as long as we have each other, we will manage. But if your significant other is suddenly not there anymore, how do you manage?

So I can only give my best, on my own, trying to accept that this is how it is. I just hope one day things become a bit easier (and maybe better too).


And I miss him - oh how I miss him.