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My Dear Fat Pete & Princess,

I went to bed before Er Indoors last night and fell asleep within 10 minutes -

SHRIEK! SHRIEK! SHRIEK! SHRIEK! SHRIEK! SHRIEK! SHRIEK!

That would be the burglar alarm or the fire alarm going off. We weren't sure. The cats hid, I leapt out of bed, and Er Indoors was freaked out.

It stopped after a minute. I went back to bed. Thirty minutes later I awoke with a start, and Er Indoors standing over me. It was like something out of a horror movie.

"I thought I heard something and the cats are still freaked out," she said.

I'm not sure what I said, but it was not sympathetic and might have been a bit sweary. Hover over me in my sleep and you awake The Beast.

So that was last night. Today we went to Harvey Norman to pick up our new mobile phones after they had emailed us to say that our flash new Galaxy 8 phones would arrive on Friday.

"Oh no, we didn't mean YOUR phones would arrive. Just the first consignment. So we've got some. But not yours."

So why are we here?

"Oh, you could sign your contract."

I didn't see the point given that I DIDN'T HAVE AN EFFING PHONE but ok.

I'm not kidding it was ONE HOUR of watching Harvey Norman man d1cking around online and trying to call the network help desk because something wasn't going through.

"Should we just go?" I asked him. "We could just go. You don't need us for this, right?"

I didn't mean to be p1ssy. I just thought that he could sit on hold on the phone without an audience. I didn't feel we were contributing anything.

But he gave me the thumbs up. The International Sign that he would be just thirty more seconds.

"Here we go. All sorted," he said. "Here's your SIM card Mrs. Er Indoors."

"And my husband?" said Er Indoors.

"Oh... Errrr...."

So today I have developed a twitch. Let us hope it disappears soon. But if that effing alarm goes off again The Beast might just take a hammer to it this time.

S.