Three Strikes

My recent Amazon haul yielded one more package on the doorstep this morning, this book written by Jake and Emmy. 

I'd been meaning to buy it for a while, and holding it in my hands made it feel like it was quite special. As I turned each page I could appreciate the fruits of their labour, and it also reminded me that I could self-publish my own ramblings should I be unsuccessful with the big hitters. 

I had a lovely lie-in until 10:30am which was glorious. Then I had quite a busy day, went to get my nails done, walked the dog with sister number two even though she didn't want to, and then went out to dinner.

Technically this was date number three in as many weeks with the same guy. I really wanted to be able to move things forward, but even though we had a nice time, I just don't think he's the right person for me. Call it intuition, call it whatever, but sometimes you can see it, sometimes you just can't. Every time this happens I usually beat myself up and blame myself; but it's really either two things- either I'm just not ready, or I just want T. Irrational! Sometimes I wonder whether if we met up and I saw him, whether it would help me to put the past behind me, and truly embrace new opportunities. I can't face the rejection though. It's been two years at some point this week; I don't want to remember dates but that's probably why I've been thinking about it. 

Sometimes I don't believe I'll ever get married or have children, and that is a scary prospect. But maybe it's not really the other person, it's me. And until I get to the bottom of what's stopping me, I don't think it's going to miraculously solve itself. 

If only we knew what the right path was. I wish someone could give me some guarantees. Baby niece will be due in the next couple of months and I think it will make me feel worse for sure. 

What if that never happens to me? What if I spend all my years ministering to other people's children and never having my own? What a waste that would be.