Wellington Coffee

My Dear Fellows and Princess Normal,

Do you know what Wellingtonians are like about coffee?

"W*NKERS," says Er Indoors from the other room. Thanks for that Er Indoors.

She's not entirely wrong. There are coffee places EVERYWHERE here. I know you think there are coffee places everywhere where you live but you are wrong.

Here they are in the foyer of every office block. Every restaurant has a coffee place out the front. There are stands. There are stalls. And all of them take FOREVER to serve a coffee because there's a whole faffy barista thing going on. It's like watching Dr. Bunsen Honeydew mixing chemicals in "The Muppet Show" while Beaker runs around in the background going "Mi mi mi mi mi" and scalding himself on the steamer.

And of course there are tons of those hipster groovy coffee places where there are bars with no stools so you can HANG and drink coffee out of chunky glass tumblers while standing UP and talk about the roast and the blend and the temperature of the effing milk.

I went into work one day and put my cup on my desk. I was just going to drink it. But before I could do that it was POUNCED upon by Wellingtonians. They wanted to know where I got it.

"Uh, I dunno. That French place where they sell the big baguette." These are my priorities. I want to get value for money. At the Big Eff Off Baguette Shop.

"Oh. They serve Superfino in there."

"They do? Is that BAD?" I have no idea what they are talking about.

"Well, I prefer Mojo. But Superfino is okay I guess."

"Oh good." Good to hear it's okay and not POISON.

"I don't drink flat white anymore. I used to drink it all the time but then it wasn't enough for me, you know? Now I have to have long black with just a touch of milk."

Clearly this person is developing a serious espresso problem. But I don't say anything. I don't like to judge people. Except here. On blip. Where they can't hear me. Judging them.

It is therefore no surprise that Wellington Coffee is a thing. Even in Edinburgh, "Wellington Coffee" was a thing. It sat at the corner of Hanover and George Street and attracted the Slack Investments people away from Pret and Starbucks. I must admit it was nice in there, and the coffee was good but it didn't come in Venti-sized BUCKETS like Starbucks or alongside lovely pecan slices and pulled pork toasties like in Pret. I think that's where my priorities lay.

Maybe I should open an "Edinburgh Coffee" here in Wellington. You'd be able to get pecan slices or falafel flatbread with your coffee and we would serve it in effing STEINS. The coffee would taste like sh*t but if any customers complained I could point out to them that at least we have actual seats.

It's worth thinking about. I'll bet I would make a fortune.

S.

p.s. I think this is a rhododendron.