Cotton

Today was a day of frustration, anger and confusion.

It consisted of me waking up this morning, taking yesterday's makeup off (Mascara and eyeliner only) which is a naughty habit I have got back into doing a few times a week. Then reading my book, eating chocolate and trying to amuse myself online. When I failed with amusing myself online I got back to my book but it wasn't long till the book was finished, I was feeling guilty for the chocolate eating and I had started another book. I reckon Mum asked me about 20 times today to tidy my room, it never happened. And now we get to now, here I am online, yet again. Blah.

I am now realising that Yes, you can spend $5,500.00 on a Apple computer and 2,000.00 on the Adobe Design Premium Suite, both of which I need for Uni next year and the Design Suite which would definately come in handy this year.

The cotton above belongs to my Mum, she's had this big tray of cotton reels for maybe 25 years? there is every colour imaginable on there.

The ends remind me of people.

Some are carefully wound round and kept safely away from the harm of becoming tangled with the others. These people I think are the happily married couples, kids and secure careers. Also maybe the boyfriend / girlfriend couple who have just moved into gether and bought a dog. Who knows.

There are the secured ends which are working their ways loose. Maybe these are, in reality, the marriages that seem to fall apart, or the loss of a lovved one which leaves another wondering what their place and purpose is in the world.

Then there are the completely loose ends, at risk of being caught up in the potential knot. Maybe this is the student leaving home for the first time, headed to Uni with dreams of Bars, all nighters and Uni parties. Or maybe the recently split up women who seek comfor in other people.

I think I put myslef in the last category, no i'm not running away to Uni this year, though is is going to be a year of change. Things are coming to a end, my Ballet hobby of 13 years is over, though my Jazz is staying. This year will be the last year of Flute, as I have reached Grade 8. Two new subjects at school, Photography and Design both of which are essential to my career choice. Failing or anything short of Excellence is my fear. I just don't know, people change, friends come and go, friends betray you for your ex (Yes, this has happened to me recently! and neither of them thought to tell me, They both work with me. One was also my ex bf and the other one of my closest friends. Stacey left school for working full time and they started going out, it wasn't till I was working full time over the holidays that I found out).

So then there would be the boy troubles to add to the a above equation. Who knows what will happen there, nothing more than what is happening now I guess, but who knows. There are so many things that frustrate me about him. And at times I find it easier to just leave him, only to find myself going back for his company, and the sense of rebel I don't get with anyone else.

This is beginning to make less and less sense to me, it must be time to go.

xx