A Musical Ear

My Dear Princess and Dear Fellows,

I remember when I first visited New Zealand in 2000 people LOVED my accent. It was unusual and exotic. Like the song of a rare bird. "You sound just loik Hugh Grent!" they told me.

It is true. I sound EXACTLY like Hugh Grant. If he was choking on a Yorkshire pudding cooked by Sean Bean.

But they loved it. And this came back to me when I was ordering furniture for our flat in New Zealand back when we were still in the UK. It was late at night, and I was speaking to a nice lady called "Bobbie Jo" and I noticed that the more English I got, the better service I got.

There was helpful advice, deals and even a girlish giggle*. I turned it up a notch. In the end I got $250 off the whole lot.

"Oh I say, you've been most TERRIBLY helpful," I said before hanging up.

"What the ACTUAL F***?" said Er Indoors.

I explained the situation to her and she noted that we would totally have to pimp out my accent the next time we wanted to buy something from a Kiwi lady.

But it doesn't always work. For a start, Poms are ten a penny in Wellington so I have lost my Exotic Bird status. And this week I ran into the posh Kiwi accent.

I didn't even know that there WAS such a thing. I thought all Kiwis were very down-to-earth people. But then I met this lady who had a distinct supercilious air about her. And Princess, if I describe her as the Kiwi Amboubou, you will know exactly what I mean.

I was to run through a document with her. It was the detailed requirements for some new reports she'd requested.

"Ew," she said. "Aaa thunk ut us FAAAA too soon for THET. Aaa thunk we should focus on the haaaa livil requ-aaaaaa-ments first."

I couldn't be annoyed. I was far too busy P1SSING myself. Or at least I would have been if it weren't for my innate professionalism.

Oh all right, maybe a little bit of wee came out. But that could be age.

It's hard to describe her voice. She sounded a little bit like Katharine Hepburn with Lloyd Grossman stuck in her throat. And she reminded me a lot of Pru and Trude. Only the Kiwi version. I got home and told Er Indoors all about it.

"Oh my GOD, I've got one of those too!" she said. Then there was a whole performance as she repeated a phone conversation she'd had earlier that day -

"Ewww hair-loooh," said Er Indoors. "Aaaa dec-aaaa-ded to call yew, to faaaaand aaaat if yew'd SECURED me a ps-aaaa-ch-aaaa-atrist for the clunuc yit."

There were actual TEARS from me at this point. It took me a while to get my breath back. Me and Er Indoors were doing it all evening. "Ew, us ut CHUPS for dinnah? Haaaa exc-aaaaa-ting."

I just hope that I don't actually do it by mistake to Posh Kiwi Chick's face. "Aaaa've updated the requ-AAAA-ments...."

She would undoubtedly punch me right in the gob. And I'd deserve it too.

But copying accents is just something people do. It's not only me. My brother in law the Big Nipper is particularly bad for it apparently. When we first arrived in New Zealand, Er Indoors warned me that he currently had a German accent because he had mates from Munich staying.

"He says he can't help it, it's his musical ear," explained Feefs, rolling her eyes.

So maybe I have one too. That would be exciting. I have no other musical talent whatsoever.

Speaking of which, I loved this band playing out in the middle of the street today. I love that one of them is playing the bubbles. Wouldn't that be great? People would ask you what you play in a band and you'd get to say, "I play the bubbles". Or the Etch-A-Sketch. Or the Travel Magnetic Scrabble. I would LOVE that.

Still. There are undoubtedly Travel Scrabble Groupies out there and it would wreck my marriage. Maybe I'd better stick with requ-aaaaa-ments analysis.

S.

* From Bobbi Jo.