Ned and Senga Go To The Library

My Dear Princess and Dear Fellows,

Today was brilliant. OrkneyCaro came to visit us, just two weeks after her husband G-Man.

They were our mates in Edinburgh. He is a Kiwi with a great sense of humour and the most vicious farts I've ever experienced* she is from Orkney and the pair of them now live in Nelson (up at the top of the South Island). I secretly voted her Er Indoors's coolest friend, due to her style and her taste in music and books.

They had the coolest wedding too. I remember it was preceded by a very unorthodox blessing (a poem about monkeys*). Afterward there was a piñata and something called "The Bride's Cog" - a mixture of alcohol so vicious it had to be served in a wooden bucket. I'm not sure about this, but I assume you get to keep the bucket for re-use later.

I also remembrer all the blokes at the wedding doing the "Prince Charming" dance. This came back to me when I put an Amazon 80's mix on the telly. It's pretty cool because the Amazon Music app puts the lyrics onscreen as well. Soon OrkneyCaro and Er Indoors were singing along to New Romantic classics like "Hungry LikeThe Wolf" and "Geno".

OrkneyCaro: Is that REALLY what Kevin Rowland was singing all that time? I had no idea.

So we had a lovely afternoon chatting and then went for dinner. We met up with OrkneyCaro's friend Em who she described as a hoot. She really was. She arrived late embarrassed because she'd had a nap. But we all readily agreed that Naps Are The Best Thing Ever and the young people just don't Get It. "I'm among friends then," she said.

We got talking (as you do) about old people sex. OrkneyCaro revealed that the Old People are at it all the time like 1970's rock musicians or members of the Osmonds family. "Old people STI's are through the ROOF," she revealed. "In care homes you have to have this talk with the staff so they understand they are liable to find old people in cupboards with their pants round their ankles and they need to be able to handle it."

"This is NOT the way I was expecting the conversation to go this evening," replied Em.

As my contribution to the discussion, I told Hilary's Reflexology Story. Are you sitting comfortably? Well, you won't be for long if I tell this right...

Hilary's Reflexology Story
Hilary had a friend in Dublin who was taking a reflexology course. As part of this course she and the rest of her class were volunteered to practise on the old folk in a home. Hilary's friend was given an ornery old fellow named "Tom".

The problem was that Tom was NOT into the idea at all. "FECK OFF!" he would shout when he saw Hilary's mate coming into his room. He'd kick and he'd struggle all the time bellowing.

"OI DON'T WANT YER FECKING HANDS ON MOI FECKING FEET!"

and

"HELP! HELP! SHE'S GOT ONE SOCK OFF!"

It was a trial for Hilary's Friend. She tried to get a different, more amenable old person. No deal. It was Tom or she'd fail the course.

"And it wasn't just 'feck'," Hilary told me conspiratorially. "The LANGUAGE that man used...."

I thought she was going to leave it to my imagination, but Hilary was not a woman to mince words. "He was a filthy old c*** with a foul mouth," she added, with no trace of irony.

So Hilary's friend came to dread her weekly visits to Tom. Until the final time. He created and fussed as always and at the end, Hilary's Friend said, "Well Tom, you won't have to be putting up with me anymore, I'm not coming back next week."

She was astonished and touched to see tears pouring down the old man's cheeks. "I've reached him," she thought. "Despite his gruff manner, he's just a lonely man in need of friendship."

"Ah Tom," she said tenderly. "Are ye sad that I'm leaving?"

"No," said Tom in a gruff whisper. "I'm sad because I wanted to ROID ye."

Poor Hilary's Friend. She said she couldn't get out of that old folk's home fast enough. And then she showered about 20 times.

After dinner we all headed to a bar called "The Library" which was pretty cool. Er Indoors ordered a cocktail called "The Dr. Ropata".

If you didn't know, a popular Kiwi saying (from about 20 years ago) is "You're not in Guatemala NOW, Dr. Ropata". The closest translation I can think of is "We're not in Kansas anymore". This amused Er Indoors so much she HAD to have one. It was some sort of coconut liqueur topped with cinammon and nutmeg.

"It's like Christmas in a glass!" declared Em. It really was. I could almost  hear the sleigh-bells. Move OVER egg nog!

So it was a lovely evening of good chat. And we even got OrkneyCaro to repeat one of my favourite stories about poo. Sitting comfortably everyone? You might feel a need to clench after you've heard...

OrkneyCaro's Poo Story
So, friends of a friend of a friend (says OrkneyCaro) had hired a bloke to do up their house. They continued to live in it, while he worked on the lower rooms. To make life easier for everyone, he lived in a caravan at the bottom of the garden.

This worked fine for everyone. The workman bloke could come and go as he pleased without disturbing anyone, and wobble home from the pub as late as he liked.

One night he did just that after a GOOD night on the p*ss. He stripped off, collapsed into bed and allowed the walls of the caravan to slowly rotate around him, feeling good about himself.

Then, the realisation. "Oh NO, I need to poo."

This was a drag because there was no toilet in the caravan. So it meant putting ALL his clothes back on, wobbling up to the house, disturbing everyone and then wobbling back.

ENTIRELY too much effort.

The man summoned up all the intellectual capacities of the truly inebriated to come up with an alternate plan. Then it struck him.

He was going to poo IN A SOCK.

Now I know what you are thinking. It's perhaps not the most obvious solution. But really, it is brilliant. All this time you've been carrying multi-purpose mobile toilets on your feet WITHOUT EVEN KNOWING.

Genius.

You have to admire the man's skill and balance too. He stretched open the sock, adopted the position and somehow (without falling over)  managed to capture his bowel movement, snatching it up in a sock like a wild salmon in a net.

But here's where his plan seems a little short-sighted. After all, once you've captured a poo in a sock, then what? He held it up to look at it. It was hefty. A good-sized poo.

The idea came to him in a flash. He opened a window, whirled the sock above his head and CAST it out of the window. Poo, begone!

Job well done, he went back to bed and got some well-earned sleep. And awoke the next morning to the MOST AWFUL STENCH.

Blearily, he sat up. It all came back to him.

The late night.

The poo.

The sock.

Did he really....?

He looked around the room and TO HIS HORROR realised that when he had whirled the sock around his head the night before, he hadn't so much got rid of the poo. It was more like he had REPAINTED the interior of the caravan with it.

There are important lessons to learn here.

1) Never poo in a sock.
2) Really, just don't do it.

So it was an informative evening. We all piled into the street still laughing at our intellectual chat. And despite the fact that they are always invited to a night at the pub, Ned and Senga didn't show up this time! Er Indoors and I left reasonably sensible and are NOT hungover today.

I call that a great Saturday. Now if you'll excuse me, it is time for my nap.

S.

* Never sit behind this man in a car. Unless you are wearing a HazMat suit.

** The monkey married the baboon's sister
Gave her a ring & then he kissed her
She set up a yell
The bridesmaid stuck on some court-plaster
It stuck so fast it couldn't stick faster
Surely 'twas a sad disaster
But it soon got well

What do you think the bride was dressed in
White gauze veil and a green glass breast-pin
Red kid shoes quite interestin
She was quite a belle
The bridegroom blazed with a blue shirt-collar
Black silk stock that cost a dollar
Large false whiskers the fashion to follow
He cut a monstrous swell

What do you think they had for supper
Chestnuts raw & boiled & roasted
Apples sliced & onions toasted
Peanuts not a few
What do you think they had for a fiddle
An old banjo with a hole in the middle
A tambourine & a worn-out griddle
Hurdy-gurdy too

What do you think were the tunes they danced to
What were the figures they advanced to
Up & down as they chanced to
Tails they were to lomg
"Duck In The Kitchen," "Old Aunt Sally,"
Plain cotillion, "Who Keeps Tally"
Up & down they charge & rally
Ended is my song.