Tremors

My Dear Fellows and Dear Princess Normal,

Under my desk at work there is a big stupid heavy box. I keep kicking it. I was about to move it because it was so BIG and STUPID when my Project Manager pointed out to me that it was my emergency water box. Then I realised that EVERYONE has one. And a little red emergency bag of stuff as well (see extras).

This is in case an earthquake/tsunami/zombie outbreak occurs while I am at work. I can't think of anything worse. Imagine having your entrails eaten by zombies AND YOU'VE JUST COME OUT OF A PROJECT PLANNING SESSION. For eff's sake zombies, couldn't you do it JUST THIRTY MINUTES EARLIER??

Also, when we were at Paula and Rob's house for a barbecue, they got talking about the 4.8 tremor felt in Welllington recently.

"We're overdue The Big One," said Rob.

Oh effing great. NOW they tell me. "Come to Wellington," says the "Asbolutely Positively Wellington" website. "It's a cultural mecca! It's a centre of innovation and artistry! It's vibrant, exciting and diverse! We're overdue THE BIG ONE!"

No. It didn't say that. That last clause. DEFINITELY MISSING.

Wellingtonians, we have subsequently been told, are the most unprepared in the country for earthquake, tsunami and/or zombie apocalypse. So I pulled up my OCD pants and SPRANG INTO ACTION.

Meaning, I did some online searching, and pulled together a spreadsheet. Oh come on, give me an effing break, I'm a BA, not an X-Man*.

So I found a company that sends you a big plastic crate that holds everything you need after an earthquake/tsunami/wife-turned-into-zombie scenario. See picture above. It contains:

- Water purifying tablets
- Sippy cup
- Candles
- Billy can
- Rope
- First Aid Kit
- Gas for cooking
- Hand or solar powered radio, torch and USB charger
- Gardening gloves, in case you have emergency roses that need pruning
- Toilet paper (one roll)
- Toothbrush
- Fetching Yellow Poncho
- Firelighters
- Energy bars
- Enough glow sticks to hold a small rave

Er Indoors and me unpacked it all last night and looked at it.

"Toilet paper. Definitely more toilet paper," we said in unison.

We also need to order some additional items which do not come in the kit. Lots of water. Tinned food. Some emergency cat biscuits. I suggested to Er Indoors that we also get a rifle to dissuade looters, but she vetoed this. She will regret this decision when the zombies come.

I think it says something really rubbish about me that I am now waiting for an emergency to happen so I can have fun playing with all my COOL STUFF. Not an actual earthquake you understand. That would be rubbish. But you know, something small, like a power cut or a bus strike or the UK getting nul points in Eurovision.

We have placed all our emergency supplies in our "Command and Control Centre" (the spare bedroom). It has a window we can escape out of, and also we think that is the room the pusscats are most likely to go into when rampaging brain-eating ghouls start banging on the door. We know this for a fact because that's where they hide when Jehovah's Witnesses do it.

And then, as if the government read my mind, there was an emergency broadcast last night. Between 6 and 7pm everyone in the country got a text (see extras) and an emergency BEEP on their mobile phone. I think Jacinda entered them all manually herself, it must have taken her AGES.

Well, actually not everybody got it. Apparently if your phone operating system was old then you are totally stuffed and are going to DIE.

I'll bet THAT makes you think twice before dismissing the latest version of IOS.

Of course, some people were very grumpy about being phone-spammed by Jacinda. But overnight, there was a 4.1 tremor in Wellington. Er Indoors felt it, although I slept through the whole thing.

WHERE WAS MY TEXT ABOUT THE 4.1 TREMOR JACINDA???!! BLOODY LABOUR GOVERNMENT!!

So now Er Indoors and I are feeling very smug about our preparedness. Also, we are on top of a huge effing hill so if a tsunami SHOULD hit, we MUST be above the danger-line. Let's just hope those zombies can't swim.

S.

* Although if I WERE, my X-Man name would be Flatulo.