Lost My Sparkle

A very boring weekend. I did have plans but they got cancelled and I was sort of relieved. 

It's freezing, and a lot of the time I just can't be arsed to go into town. I keep thinking about this time three years ago, and it was a really great time. Looking back at my journal I can see that even though I was a bit sad about something, I was still a go-getter, still chasing and fighting for my happiness.I think I've lost that somewhere along the way. Things just feel a bit different now. If I think too deeply about it all I get upset. I feel like I can't go on, I don't want to go on. But then usually it passes.

Shelle and the baby came over this afternoon, sans her ass of a husband. I should have gone downstairs, but I just couldn't. I don't think it's ever going to get easier. It simply highlights the chasm of difference between her life and mine, and quite honestly leaves me feeling bereft. How much suffering can one person take? I know I'm wallowing, but writing is a good outlet for it I suppose. Nobody else is particularly helpful, save A.

A really good gym session did help/distract tonight. I worked hard, completed 9 walkovers with ease, then 12 flicks that were equally good. We did them on the air track which always gives you a bit of extra bounce. I did some giant swings and got to pretty much vertical without going over the top, which was my choice. My lovely friend I made some gluten-free mince pies which she brought to gym and it was a lovely way to round off the session! 

I sorted my ESTA ready for my trip, and just need to do travel insurance and dollars etc. I can't think what to wear/bring just yet, but I suppose next weekend I shall have to start getting organised. I'm part excited, part scared, but whichever way it goes, there's sure to be some learning in it. 

And I can't live my life on hold, putting things off and not doing the things I want to do. Life is for living, not existing/just being a wage slave, which I am guilty of.

On a side note, I am happy to report that the publisher is happy to wait for me to complete my book, I just have to give them a rough idea of when it might be finished. It's hard to know, but I'm thinking if I can get it done by March, then it will give me something to work towards. 

At school we've been working hard on spreading Emmy's message "Smile, Love and Be Kind", and this week we asked parents to donate items for the Crisis homeless charity in lieu of gifts for us this week. I was happy to receive a lovely note the next morning from a parent saying how delighted she was to receive our letter, and would happily donate the requested items. I'm not happy in myself, but I think it's good to set an example to the children to give to others less fortunate than we are, especially at Christmas. And when you watch the Crisis appeal videos it does make you realise how lucky we are. It's a shame that in our busy lives we become consumed by what we perceive that others do have that we do not, and forget to be grateful for all that we do have. And I am guilty of that for sure. It's hard not to wallow, but as my friend says "have a good wallow, just don't unpack and stay there". 

And if ever a reminder was needed to seize the day and live life in a kinder and more positive way, then it's this: Smile, Love and Be Kind