Lucy...

I met her today, during my lunch break. It wasn't planned, but then in a way it was better. Nowhere to run, nowhere to hide. 

It was really lovely. I can't remember the last time I held a baby, maybe I never have. I'm certainly not that person that is first in line to hold a newborn, my usual line is "I'm really better with puppies" ;-)

Feeling her light weight on my lap as she was nestled in the crook of my arm was unfamiliar, and yet strangely perfect. She slept a little, then opened her blue eyes to look around. I studied her face, her tiny hands and when she yawned, marvelled at her teeny mouth. 

Whilst it was lovely to hold and meet her, I want to also document how ridiculous my sister is. Having not spoken to her for six weeks, and knowing how difficult it has been for me, when she came in, she sat in a the wooden chair five feet away from my mum and me, and when I asked "Can I hold her?" she replied "well, you've got a cold". I did but it was over two weeks ago.... She then relented and said "if you go and wash your hands"......

I obliged, and such is the obsession with cleanliness, that when Little B, clambering up near me whilst trying to seize the turkey and cheese from my lunch plate, licked one of her tiny hands, there were cries of "oh, now I'll have to wash her hands", and her hands were then duly covered with the mitten minder parts of the suit.

I didn't cry at all. It was a brief encounter really, as I was on the clock and had to be back at school pretty soon. I want one. And I continued to think about how it might be to do it by myself. Not ideal I guess, but far better to have this alone that to never have it at all. Working as a teacher I know a lot of people who have brought up their children alone, through tragic circumstances and by choice, and I take my hat off to them. 

How naive a person can be, having spent only twenty minutes with a calm, sleeping baby that thinks they can now do it alone! But on a serious note, I was also tinged with a little sadness. For how lovely it would have been (for me) to have been able to have with with T. But it wasn't meant to be. And I read an article somewhere earlier in the year where a lady had decided to have a child by herself, and that a few years down the line, met somebody and is now starting a family with him. The focus of the story was that she stepped away from dating, and almost looking for a relationship in order to have children, and that later on, because she had one, she was able to be a little more relaxed about it, knowing that it wasn't for any other reason than wanting to find the right partner. 

Food for thought anyway. I wonder if that might help me. I know what it's like to deal with 30 five-year-olds en masse, every day, this is my eleventh year of this job. So in some ways I know I could do it. I suppose there's doubt about who exactly would be your support system, but it's definitely given me some things to think about. 

Anyways, in a way a bit of the weight has lifted, because I was avoiding dealing with something I found difficult. And it's done now, so I am a little relieved. 

For now, we have three and a half school days left until Christmas, and I am excited for my trip- San Diego, here I come! ;-)