FREAKEN CHRISTMAS!

My Dear Christmas Pixie Princess and The Two Wise Fellows,

Yes, I am mildly drunk. The Big Nipper and I finished off the Macallan I brought with me in September. But hey, it is Christmas and we needed to celebrate this bad boy. 

Today's blip is a sign that Feefs put up. Actually it's a sign she makes EVERY day. It lives in her hallway and every time we go round there it is different. I hope I've conveyed to you previously what Feefs sounds like and how she talks. And this sign is so her. "I freaken LOVE Christmas man, f*cken-A, BOOM." Like that.

Both Feefs and Big Nipper were AMAZING today. They put together the two separate Xmas meals from Nadia Lim's Food Bag with aplomb. "Okay, I need you to drizzle the chipotle sauce over the vegetables now," said BN to Feefs. "DRIZZLE. Do you hear? I want it to look all zig-zag like in the picture."

Feefs plopped on the chipotle sauce. "Ha. Um. Not much of a zig-zag," she muttered. It had come out in huge blobs. She made it look better by rearranging the vegetables instead. "I've totally Jackson Pollocked it," she told her husband. "Nice work missus," he replied, giving her a high-five.

There was the odd mishap. BN managed to marinade the courgette strips in chutney. Which was actually a dip to go with the antipasto platter. "You didn't see that mate," he told me, then biffed in the proper marinade as well. 

(No-one noticed later. It actually tasted pretty good).

"Oooh, show him the video with the turkey," said Feefs. It was of the two of them preparing it the night before, and cracking each other up. Big Nipper passed me his phone and there he was the previous evening, holding the turkey over the sink. He was looking at the hole at the back of the turkey. His expression was quite obscene. Then he made a fist and... well... the things he did to that turkey... it was UNSPEAKABLE and DEPRAVED...

"I totally fisted Christmas dinner man," he admitted, proudly.

"I think I'll have the ham," I told him.

Actually I had both. And everything was delicious. We sat outside to have Christmas dinner. It was great, although everyone gave me sh*t about being the only bloke there wearing trousers. It's shorts weather in NZ you see, but I've got these white English legs. I just felt better in my jeans and trainers. 

"We'll get you into shorts and jandals yet buddy," said Big Nipper. I told him it would NEVER HAPPEN. I wasn't ready to surrender that part of myself to Kiwidom yet.

Feefs and The Big Nipper looked a bit tired and frazzled over dinner. But this was only partly due to the meal. There were also two pairs of parents wandering about (two of them divorced from each other) one happy dog, one excitable child and one hormonal teenager. 

I tried to help by playing with Tiggy Dog. I love Tiggy Dog and he loves me. Me and J-Bar had great fun watching him chase his tennis ball over and over. But it was hard to wear him out just in the back garden. 

But this still left Little Nipper who wanted to play with new toys; but more importantly wanting for his parents to SEE him playing with his new toys. It was "dad... dad... dad... look...." for ages, and I felt a bit bad for both of them. Dad was too tired to properly pay attention but Nipper was SO excited. At one point he got his new Super-Soaker out.

The water came dangerously close to Er Indoors.

"You'd better not do that again..." she warned. But it was in a jokey way and Nipper could tell. His next shot came closer. 

I felt I needed to step in. "Have you got any OTHERS?" I asked him. He let me have a smaller water pistol.

But it's not about the size. It's what you do with it. "Ha HA!!" I cried. "Look Nipper! It's raining! I'm making it rain on you!!! Ba-ha-ha-HAAAA!!!"

And with that I soaked the little tyke. And of course then I let him chase me around the garden with it, shrieking like a girl whenever he hit me because I know children and I KNOW COMEDY VALUE.

So does Big Nipper apparently. Suddenly re-energised and UN-FRAZZLED. He appeared FROM NOWHERE. With a THIRD Super-Soaker. And then he formed an unholy alliance with his SON. 

UNFAIR. I was DRENCHED. From head to foot. Sopping. Squishy. Like a drowned rat. The father and son pair were BESIDE themselves. Long story short, ten minutes and a lot of hysterical laughter later, Big Nipper gave me a towel and threw a t-shirt and a pair of shorts at me. "You can totally freeball in the shorts," he added. "They're clean. Or would you like to borrow a pair of...?"

"Stop right there," I replied. "We're friends and we're family and I'm very fond of you. But I have boundaries." He agreed that this was fair enough. 

Following this male bonding, Feefs magically appeared with a pair of jandals. So there I was. In the back garden in shorts and jandals. They had Kiwi'd me in just under two hours. 

CURSES

The frenetic part of the day ended with teenager and Little Nipper going away with their nana. J-Bar left shortly afterward and this left the rest of us sitting around drinking coffees. And whiskies. Then someone mentioned "Robin Hood: Princes of Thieves" and that was us. It was put on the telly, and we were totally celebrating Christmas with Alan Rickman and his spoon.

During the movie, I sat on the floor and Tiggy Dog curled up in my lap. Because he's been brought up around pussycats, he thinks he IS a cat, and wraps himself up like one with his nose in his tail, and a paw over his face. He snored and farted on me and we were both very happy.

I'm not really sure what Christmas means any more. I think I'm too jaded and cynical for a lot of it. But I like making it special for other people. I like for them to laugh and have a good time and have the best Christmas ever. And for them to have things that they'll always remember like how their uncle/husband/brother-in-law/other made a total d1ck of himself that time.

I really mean it. This sort of thing gives me the vicarious thrill that someone as cynical as me can only get from Nippers and Puppies.

And in that sense, I think this year I was successful. It really was another Best Christmas Ever. It's freaken Xmas man. Boom.

S.

p.s. Today's extras are:
- Tiggy Dog asleep in my horrible white legs in front of Kevin Costner.
- Er Indoors's wine glass. You can tell it is hers because it is guarded by a "Chad". All the ladies' glasses got one. It all turned rather filthy. You don't want to know what happened to poor "Brad" on J-Bar's glass.