Commuter, my fluffy arse

Look at Liam Neeson, that big eedjit, as the Commuter, with a capital C. 
I've seen the film, well actually no, but I've seen the trailer, and there really isn't any point in seeing the film now that I have seen the trailer, and believe me, it is all well and good to commute in Nu Yoake, with his suave voice, and big shiny gun, and knack for saving everybody at the last second, but he wouldn't last a week on the Dart. 
What with his long legs, and wide arse, he'd never manage to sit on the newer generation Darts (less than 25 years old), because they were built in Japan (by Tokyu Corporation), and you could tell they were built to Japanese specifications for the seats. Wide like the palm of my hand they are. Which is the width of Mrs Raheny arse, I know, exactly the width of the palm of my hand, but not the size of normal human beings' arses. I've never measured big Liam's arse with my hand, but I guess he must be a 5 or 6 at least. 
And his big shiny gun would be of little help to him against the morning-after-Guinness-farts. Because you can't shoot them. You can only inhale them, when you've held your breath for so long that your head starts to spin, and you retch, and wish you could at least shoot the owner of the farts, but that bollix is not raising his hand to apologise and own up, and when you are Liam Neeson you don't shoot all the occupants in the carriage to get the farter, because you are a good guy, and you do not have enough bullets anyway, because it is pretty packed in the Dart at rush hour, especially since the Recovery. Recovery my arse. With a capital R. 
Oh, he can be totally calm in the face of danger, Neeso, with his suave voice, and well-cut suit, and shiny gun, barely breaking into a sweat as he jumps off colliding trains, but how would he cope with the daily uncertainty of never knowing if the 09:14 to Howth is going to turn up at 09:06 (after the renaming of the badly delayed 08:57 to Malahide (Mollack Eedjit in Irish)) or at 09:18 or turn up at all. Go on planning saving hundreds of lives, when you never know when the hundreds of lives are going to turn up! 
Nah, we wouldn't last a week, big Liam.