A Hotbed of Swinger Activity

My Dear Princess & Dear Fellows,

Only one of the three of you have met Reg, and this is a shame. He married one of the people in Er Indoors's backpacker circle - that group of people she met via her first year living in hostels in Edinburgh. As another of the "backpacker husbands" he and I had a lot in common and got on like a house on fire.

The first time I met him, we had been invited to stay with him and his Australian wife in Melbourne. "Throw your things anywhere man," he told me. "Make yourself at home. Raid the fridge. Watch a movie or put on a cd. Read a book. Just treat the place like it was your own. Or f*** off."

Friendly. But direct.

If I were to use one adjective to describe him, it would be effervescent. He pops and vibrates with positive friendly energy. He loves music and was/is part of a whole punk/rave scene. He dresses like a punk who knows how to surf. When he's talking to you, he bobs and bounces and nods. When you start off a conversation about something he comes alive, "Oh yesyesyes?" he'll say, full of rapt attention.

He loves to learn about cool things and share them with you. Whenever we meet he wants to know what I'm listening to and what I'm watching and what films I recommend and then he'll come back with ten recommendations or more for me (and they are invariably good). It was Reg who told me about "Dogtown & Z-Boys" and Michael Leunig. 

Last night he was telling us about this event in the South of France in September which he'll be attending with Mrs. Reg. He's says it's amazing, not just because he loves Andrew Weatherall, but because it's got amazing food and a relaxed vibe. I'm just putting that out there Fat Pete & Princess Normal. Just saying. 

So he's a lovely man. He recently divorced Aussie Wife #1 but now looks like he is well on the way to Aussie Wife #2. I say that. I don't know if he's into marriage particularly. But the new Mrs. Reg seems lovely. We met her last night when Reg and Mrs. Reg visited Wellington from Sydney (they've been travelling around NZ for a week). We took them to a waterfront restaurant named "The Crabshack" (restaurant motto: "Do you have crabs? We do!!")

Mrs. Reg was funny and friendly just as we expected. She seems ideal for Reg, and comes complete with a teenage daughter and a cat. As for Reg, he appears to be loving his new family as step-father and cat-daddy. The little cat (Mystery) appears to love him right back and the step-daughter has been wooed by Reg's Scottishness - he has introduced her to Irn-Bru and Frankie Boyle. The step-daughter says she thinks of him like a 2nd dad (Reg, not Frankie Boyle).

All this has happened very quickly. Reg only left Edinburgh in January 2016, so we haven't seen him in two years. We spent a decent amount of last night catching up on news and having so-what-are-you-doing/so-where-are-you-living conversations. But then, because we are the people that we are, the conversation turned to swingers.

Reg started it. He told us that he works in Dangar Island, Sydney. "Ooh, that's a hotbed of swinger activity," someone told him. He refused to believe it at first until one of his colleagues - a Dangar Island resident - told him he was out in the garden one day when a bloke stuck his head over the fence and offered him alan*.

This lead to Reg's Edinburgh swinger story. It turns out he was once given a tour of a swinger's club just off King's Stables Road. We didn't ask HOW he got this invite, and he didn't elucidate. Suffice to say, he said the club was "EXACTLY as you'd think it would be". He described the sticky floors and the run-down interior. "You'd think they'd at least go around with a damp cloth," he complained.

He said there were a couple of private rooms with doors that closed and locked. But that there were also some rooms with NO door - just a frame. There were cushions scattered and rules - no going IN the room unless invited, and no touching unless asked.

He said that in one of the rooms a demonstration was going on. "There was this guy, with a hideous little moustache. He looked like one of those little Hitler bus drivers or traffic wardens. He was doing a demonstration on how to tie up a woman, while standing there wearing nothing but horrible stripey underpants."

MEN IN STRIPEY Y-FRONTS.

IN THE HEART OF SCOTLAND'S CAPITAL.

I HAD NO IDEA.

So anyway, according to Reg, the woman was having a great time being the centre of attention, jiggling about and making suggestive comments. Then the man in stripey knickers lit a candle and poured the wax all over her. 

"It was RUBBISH," exclaimed Reg. "Fortunately they had a cheap bar. Well, I say it was a bar. It was more like a fridge really."

I speculated whether people went to the freezer and complained because there were no ice-cubes left. "Derek! Show some consideration for the other members! They're not ALL for your bumhole, you know!" Like that.

Er Indoors then told us about her friend in Auckland who used to do a bit of hooking on the side. She was a hair stylist during the day, but took on the odd "gentleman client" until it became a full-time thing and the hairdressing got dropped altogether. Er Indoors said the stylist's favourite client was a bloke who liked to watch her strip to her underwear and then sit on the bed.

"Meanwhile, he was on the other side of the room with his willy in a shoe," Er Indoors went on.

"IN A SHOE???" we all echoed.

"A woman's shoe. Kitten-heel, the whole thing," she explained.

Well that was a bit better. It just seems sad to imagine the poor bloke on the other side of the room, shagging a plimsole. 

Anyway, he paid very well for this apparently. And around the table we all agreed that if we were hookers, we would be okay with this client. "So long as he provided his own shoe."

Then Reg told us about a friend of his who had recently posted a very defensive message on Facebook. Something along the lines of she didn't NEED anyone's approval and those people who felt the need to EXPRESS DISAPPROVAL of her current career would be un-friended.

Reg asked her what all that was about and it turns out she has recently become a "Financial Dom". Do you know what that is?

YOU ARE GOING TO LOVE THIS.

So the Financial Dom has an arrangement with a Financial Submissive. He gives her all of his bank details and periodically she will "rob" his bank account. No warning - she just takes money out. And he gets the thrill of looking at his account and going "Oh no! For I have been ROBBED! By a woman in knickers!" 

And presumably he then goes off and pleasures himself by slamming his willy in a fridge or shagging a plimsole or whatever it is that Financial Subs do.

This friend of Reg's said there's actually no contact between the two of them at all. It was arranged over the internet and all she has to do is send pixts of herself to him, spending his money and/or shoving it down her knickers.

We all agreed that this sounds like the BEST job ever. And where are all these Financial Subs anyway??

"You've been my Financial Sub for years," said Er Indoors. "You just didn't know it."

Bloody cheek. So anyway, a brilliant night out with Reg & Mrs. Reg. They are on their way back to Sydney now, but I expect we'll find our way over there sometime. And they promised they would return and stay with us next time. 

Just leave the stripey knickers at HOME, Reg. We're having none of that.

S.

* Anagram.