Gosh Darn It To Heck

My Dear Princess & Dear Fellows,

Smock SWORE today!

Well. Kind of. Someone reminded her she hadn't typed up some minutes and she put her hands over her mouth and hissed a word that might have been "ess". 

Well, in fact, it must have been "ess" because she apologised for the barely-audible obscenity. I wanted to point out to her that "ess" isn't even really swearing anymore. For us, it is just punctuation.

But she is not alone. NO-ONE swears around me. It is kind of really effing freaky.

Maybe it's just Wellington. Maybe it's just my office. Maybe it's just ME. It is possible they see me with my English accent and go, "Ooh, better knock it off with the nobs and knockers talk or we might offend the Pom."

But I think not. I wander about the office and there are no see or eff bombs exploding around me, their potty-mouthed shrapnel flying through the air, as it does in Scotland.

It is very weird. I've never worked in any office ever where people didn't swear. It's the pressure you know. I remember seeing some very scientific experiment off the telly where they took two groups of people and asked them to keep their hand in ice-water for as long as they could.

One group was allowed to swear and one was not. The group who were allowed to swear could withstand the pain for MUCH LONGER because swearing releases something with a chemically type name into your brain. Or something.

So there you go. The next time you experience something horrid you are allowed to shout "EFFING ****FLAPS!" as loud as you like because science.

But I am perplexed by this no Kiwi swearing thing. If 19 years with Er Indoors has taught me anything, it is that Kiwis do know how to swear. Really well actually. Though not as well as the Scots and definitely not as well as the Irish. 

(I LOVE Irish swearing. Ye big bollix).

But the Kiwis can and do swear. Just not here. And not around me. It is frustrating. I have all this pent up obscenity and nowhere for it to go...

EFFING ESS EFF-BOMB SEE-BOMB PEE FLAPS TOOLSPANK AIRSE NOB HOLE

Ahhh... that's better. Oh well, at least there is decent swearing awaiting me at home... or is there...?

As it turns out, I got home today and Er Indoors had just returned from an appointment with the dental hygienist. Her dentist had warned her earlier in the week that the state of her gums is pretty bad and her visit to the hygienist would be "intense".

As a result, Er Indoors's mouth is pretty numb from the painkillers and the treatment. "It weally hurthsth," she told me, "It'th tho wuckin' painful, it ewen hurtths to talk for wuck'th thake. Ow! Thit!"

Uh-oh. Her mouth had better recover fast, or I'm going to go into Tourette's withdrawal.

S.