I'm sorry, Richard.

So firstly, the yay. I found out that my little Zelda had a kitten, called Lucky. She's an adorable little thing. I can't wait to visit my brother to see her!

Secondly, the nay. My boyfriend has a thing with his family today and I said I'd go but I am extremely depressed today. I genuinely feel like I want to die. I can't go and ruin their day. I know I won't be able to hold back on suicidal comments and I just don't want them to have that impression of me because I really can be a good person when I'm not depressed. It makes me feel so much worse that his lovely dog recently died and they get the ashes today. I honestly can't breathe at the thought of not being able to be there for him. But I just can't do it. I feel like the worst girlfriend ever right now. I just wish I was feeling better so I could help him. All I care about is if he's happy and right now I feel like I can't put that first and it kills me. I always put his happiness before mine and the one time I need to do it I just can't. I hope it goes well for him. I really hope he can forgive me for not being there, because I don't think I can forgive myself.

UPDATE 11pm: He came home and told me that he was angry. That he was disappointed in me. I can't breathe. I hate myself so much for this. I thought he'd be able to understand why I couldn't be there for him. For the past 2 months I've been coping with everything on my own because he's been too busy with his Xbox to bother with me and I've dealt with it because I get that it makes him happy. I'm so scared for next week and he just doesn't see it. I think this might be why he hasn't asked for the day off yet. I don't think he wants to. I feel like he wants to pay me back for me not being there. I can't do it. I can't do it alone but I feel like I'll have to. Judging by these past weeks I'll 100% have to do it alone. I can't believe he told me he was disappointed in me for something he's been doing for the past few weeks and still doing now. I feel like I put so much more effort in trying to not be upset with him than he knows and then when it flips he just doesn't even try. I guess I'm just not good enough. I'll never be able to be good enough for him. I can't do anything right. I can't even be with him on his hard day. I don't know if he even cares at this point. I'm just the biggest joke of a girlfriend.  

I'm sorry, Richard.