The past

So my post today is about the past.

First of all, the relevance of the image: this photo is one that I edited in Year 8 and was obsessed with this baby doll picture. I used it everywhere. Until the point where I couldn't get away from it. I even printed it as an A3 poster and sent it to my sister and she actually put it on her wall. I keep getting memories on Facebook and Twitter and it always leads back to this stupid baby. But it still makes me laugh so much. 

Secondly, 2010. What even was I in 2010? I get that everyone on social media during 2010 was an absolute freak but I was just so much more than that. Richard was going through the Facebook I stopped using (for this exact reason) this morning and I actually wanted to set it on fire. I was/am so embarrassing. 

Another thing is my issues. I've always had a problem with telling people. But yesterday I "told" (more like showed) my partner what was wrong with me. It's been an ongoing problem just lately and I knew exactly what he would say to me. And he did. I knew he'd try explaining it to me and telling me that he thinks I have something (self-diagnosis) and I didn't tell him for so long because of this. I just can't get him to understand. I don't want him to be a doctor. I just wanted him to be here for me. It takes me so much effort and willpower to be able to say what's wrong with me, and I just wanted him to understand that and just be there for me. Be there with me. But he just told me there's [something] wrong and started to watch a film. He wrote about me on his blog, he usually does, and he assumed I was upset because of people harassing me on Twitter. Which I was a little bit because it gets so frustrating. He kept telling me to "come here" and to "cuddle up to him" but I just couldn't after he tried diagnosing me. I don't know why. I think it's because I just wanted him to say that I'll be okay and not throw stuff that I could already guess at me. I guess it's because I just wanted him to accept that I'm not in a good place and to try help me out of it.

He said his MTG went well. He was asking if he should start it all up again. I was angry. I was upset. I told him to do what he wants. I mean I guess he usually just does that. He only really does everything that makes himself happy, so why even bother asking me? I told him that he should do what makes him happy and he tried making a stupid joke but I wasn't in the mood. He tried telling me that I make him happy but I know that I don't. If I did he wouldn't feel so compelled to be everywhere but with me all the time. Maybe it's just me. Maybe I'm just in that much of a bad place I see his "escaping" more as escaping from me than escaping from reality. I don't know. Maybe that should make him want to show me it's not true and that he isn't avoiding spending time with me but I guess that's also just what I assume. 

I'm glad he's found something else that makes him happy. I'm kind of scared because I think it's going to pull us even further apart because since he mentioned it it's all I hear from him. I was going to ask him for help and advice on my presentation, which he originally offered, but then he just seemed so much more interested in his own thing so I just told him I wasn't in the mood and left it. I guess I'll just figure it all out on my own. It's all I've been doing lately anyway.

I joined an anonymous chat group last night because I felt like I couldn't speak to him after he tried telling me what's wrong with me despite knowing exactly what's causing it. I spoke to a few people and it felt crappy. Speaking really doesn't help me. I just need to cope. 

I know I've gone off track from "the past" but these posts are supposed to be what truly effects my day and right now thinking about how he responded to me and how he's going to act after his MTG thing is all that's bothering me. Sometimes I feel like I should have never gotten into a relationship that I knew I wouldn't be able to handle, but I love him so much and although I feel like I shouldn't have done it, he's all I care about and I'd never want it to end. It's not a regret as such, more a wondering if situation. He's changed my outlook on things so much and I really don't see it as a bad thing and I genuinely adore him and don't ever want this to end. I just get really bad thoughts and feel like I'm not worthy enough and rereading my post from the 3rd and the 5th of April definitely add to that feeling of not being good enough for him. And having to constantly cope with everything by myself while he just enjoys himself all day on his games adds to it. Does he also think I'm not good enough? I don't want him to stick around just because we live together now. I'd rather he did what made him happy...

UPDATE:
I'm currently sat in my lecture waiting for the workshop to start. I didn't pay much attention to the lecture today, I just got on with some of my work until it was time to move onto the workshop. I finally decided that I'm going to stop paying so much attention to my boyfriend and just to leave him in his own world. But then I also saw this as myself just pushing him away. Some stuff really upset me today and I didn't want him to think that I wanted to do it alone anymore. I hugged him and eventually showed him my problem. We both got angry together and then he tried to calm me down. He ordered us food and we went to sleep.