Saturday

Spent most of the day up at the hospital, either in neo natal or on K's ward. Harris is slightly better, on lower oxygen levels. Steven has had a hold and Lewis is continuing to stroke him. We aren't allowed to touch him yet. Because he is struggling to breathe he can't breast feed, so K is expressing it and giving it to him via a syringe. He took 5mls today.
I have pictures of his face, but it's not very nice to see all the wires etc. So its his feet you get.

I am going through the motions of being there. It was nice to see him today but I just wanted to be in my bed. I have had to try really hard not to cry today because that is all I want to do. It  has nothing to do with Harris.
I am getting all anxious about next week; Lewis' and my Mum's birthday. I have taken these two days off and I am already dreading being social and dealing with the busyness with family/people.
Tonight I have come home, got the alcohol out, self harmed and am now wondering what to do.