Maybe...

The torch has been passed :-) 

I got up later than I meant to today and it had me a little on the back foot. Much as I dislike the routine of going to work, it is good for the mind to be occupied and not worrying about one's self/future/past. 

Shelle and Lucy have come to camp out here all day whilst they have their downstairs flooring replaced, so it was nice to come home and find her there at lunchtime. She always gives me a smile and sticks her tongue out when she sees me :-) 

Super busy afternoon at school. Part of my job is to organise school swimming for the Year Three's- who knew most of them can't swim?! 

When I got home I got to spend some more time with Lucy, this time uninterrupted by bells and the need to get back to work. She was in a happy mood, and I finally gave in and gaze her the prize she desperately wanted- my index finger to chomp on! And chomp she did! She was like the cat that got the cream as she babbled away whilst giving my poor finger a good old toothless nibble! Very weird feeling as she only has gums with which to chew! * Disclaimer- I had just washed my hands and it's not something we let her do very often. 

Then I went to my appointment with A. I had sort of been dreading it, because I am going to miss her so much. And I did tell her that tonight, after she said she would really miss me. It's been four years. She is planning to be around for a few more months, so hopefully it can go on as long as I need it to, although truthfully I never want it to end. She asked me if it was her or the process I will miss most, and I know it's her. You don't connect with just anybody, if I didn't then I'd have never returned after the first session. She's amazing, and I could never replace her. 

I did find the courage to tell her about what I'd really like to do, and she thought it was great, and that she thought she'd already suggested it when I'd shot down a few of her other ideas about jobs! She thought I'd be well suited, and it made me more determined to take control of my destiny rather than waiting for things to happen. 

So it was a positive session all in all, but it's left me with those horrible feelings, a bit like a slow death. 

What will I do when things go wrong? Who will pick me up when I fall? Who will pass me that box of tissues when the tears come? Who will listen to me when I need to talk? It won't be the same.