Lost

Feelings
Skipped a few days again, I guess I'm also bad at keeping up with the so-called "daily posts" along with everything else I try to do.

These past few days I've felt really lost and almost abused and exposed. It got stronger this morning and I can't figure out how or why I'm even managing to post now. I feel so unsafe lately and I don't know how to fix it and it doesn't help when I'm constantly invisible. I've started purposely putting myself into situations where I'm alone again to avoid the feeling of being neglected and unwanted. Afterall, I can't be ignored if I'm the one doing the ignoring.

This morning stimulated a lot of feelings. Feelings of hurt and lack of safety. I'm not too sure if I can be near people much while I feel like this. I just constantly feel like I don't have a choice. I'm not allowed to want or not want anything because it's whatever everyone else wants that actually matters. I try to have my own way in certain scenarios when I want to feel safe or happy, but sometimes I'm just not strong enough. My wants just don't matter. I don't know why I thought they would. I'm not really going to continue on this before it stems possible assumptions. 

Job...?
I don't really know what's going on with my new job as they accepted me on Wednesday but I haven't had contact with them since they messed up with contacting me last night. I doubt they even still want me there. No one ever wants me anywhere. 

So that could potentially stem some financial issues in September as I got really excited when I was offered the job and treated myself quite a bit thinking that I'd get the wage back in no time. Well, guess not. Why did I even think I deserved to be treated?

Later...
On the plus side, I've booked a few things for myself to do. I've got my appointment on the 30th, a photo shoot with the University on the 31st and I booked myself and Richard into a Henry Moore thing on the 14th and the 15th. I'll have to go alone on the 14th because it's a Thursday and he'll be at work, but we could probably go together on the 15th. He's probably not interested in it though so I'll possibly be doing both days alone. I don't want to take one of his only work-free days off him for some crappy stuff that I want to do when I can go alone. 

He enjoys playing his games so I'll probably leave him to just do that and go alone anyway. It's time I started getting used to spending days on my own since I do it so often so it'll be fine.

Success?
My exercise is going on well, too. I've been doing them while Richard is at work so I both remember which days I've done exercise and which I've had a break on, and so that I don't get too embarrassed by my fat jiggling around near him!

Fluffy
I read a graphic novel called Fluffy today and it was extremely cute. I can't really explain the story as I suppose there really wasn't one. But it was a nice little read anyway. I decided to take a break from reading Blankets which is an amazingly written graphic novel too. But Blankets is definitely more serious than Fluffy, it's almost a bibliography of Craig, the author. 

I don't really have anything else happening right now, so I guess this is where it ends.