A Complete Crock

My Dear Fellows & Dear Princess Normal,

Did I tell you I have been SICK all week? No I did not.

This is because I am really very brave. No, it's true. In fact I have been sick since Levin, I caught a cold from Pregnant BA who said next to me the week before and SNUFFLED.

"Eff off out of it!" I wanted to say but did not. People can get funny with you when you tell pregnant ladies to eff off.

So this weekend, I decided to make a big beef stew in my new slow cooking crock-pot. I packed it full of potato, carrots & kumara. I thought this would be good fortifying food. I also threatened to put celery in it. Just a touch. Just a taste.

Cazza made a face. "You know how I feel about celery," she said.

I do. She has made this clear. If I were to list Cazza's least favourite things in order, it would be something like this:

3. Hitler
2. Celery
1. Gwyneth Paltrow 

"But," I said, "I'm not talking about RAW celery. I'm talking about BOILED TO B*GGERY celery. It just about DISSOLVES, it just leaves an interesting FLAVOUR. It's like when you put anchovies in a stew, it just tastes nice even though you might find the idea of eating a horrid salty little fish DISGUSTING."

"No," she said. "I will know. I will know it is there. And I'll hate it."

"In that case," I replied, "mmmmaybe I'll put it in or mmmmmaybe I won't. What do you think of that?! Then we'll do the CELERY TASTE TEST."

So I didn't put the celery in. But it is still in the fridge. Like a threat.

Unfortunately, because this was my first attempt at a crock-pot stew it went horribly wrong. The stupid instructions said I could cook it on low for 10 hours. Which I did. 

About 5 hours in, I poked at a carrot. ROCK HARD, it was. I nearly broke a tooth when I gave it a shot.

So I turned the crock pot up to HIGH and cooked it for another 5 hours. But still, the carrots were uncooked.

THIS IS RUBBISH.

So I will know to cook on high for the whole time next time. And we had pizza instead. No celery.

I shouldn't really be eating things like pizza. I have this high cholesterol now, you see. I'm not sure what cholesterol is, although "Cholesterol" sounds like the name of the Greek God of Sensible Eating. Fortunately, Cazza is on the case. She found out that apple cider vinegar is supposed to be good for it and bought me a bottle.

"If you drink a teaspoon of it in a glass of water, it will reduce your cholesterol," she told me. And because she is supportive, she did it with me.

Then, she pulled a face like someone had shoved a lemon up her bum and did her "eeeewwww" dance, flapping her arms like a baby bird.

"Hahahahahahaha!!!" I said. Because I am considerate like that.

Then it was my turn for a "glass of hideousness" as Cazza now called it. I did not make the face or do the dance because, as previously stated, I am very brave. But it did mean that Cazza got to have her Celery Revenge I suppose.

None of the above ramblings have anything to do with Jasper, reclining on the couch. But he is much prettier than my beef stew or apple cider vinegar or a bag of celery. So here he is.

S.