Parallel existences.
What is it to be fully present...whatever that means?
Fully present to the current moment, or the memory that has just flashed on the inward eye, or the persistent sense of that part of ourselves that is co-existing on another time and plane that is rooted in us and part of who we are, or, of course, all of these....trying to be fully present and aware of all of these simultaneously...as far is reasonably possible.

As I drove down the motorway to work this morning I was so very aware of being very vividly back to six years ago. I wondered why it seemed so very vivid this year and then, of course, it struck me. This is the first year that the actual days of the week replicate the days of the week when it all unfolded to the inevitable end, on Father’s Day.

Friday was so grim, another dreadful day in a catalogue of what had become so many. Today was the day it all very rapidly spiralled. It is as unbearable as it was.
I was trying to keep working from the big deterioration at the beginning of June. As the week unfolded I would go from work to the hospital.
I still have his texts.... Thursday morning....
06:40 Hi lovely Love you Temperature now but can’t feel it see u later love p xxx
I had gone up after work and then as I got home we texted one another
22:31 Sleep the sleep of the gorgeous my perfect love xxx

Then the early text on Friday morning...
05:49 I’m off to X-ray on recommendation of senior surgeon rough night xxx
(To which I replied, shall I come up?)
06:31 Probably xxx
....The last text, and the beginning of the final stage.
Unbearable still.

So, today I worked and managed a parallel life. It surprises me that I seem to be able to be fully present when I need to be and then crash out when I don’t. I don’t suppose it’s particularly helpful but it is as it is. I went to pick up the van. Welding done and wondered about going off tomorrow but not sure I can be bothered. Still windy and cool but I’m not sure that has any bearing.

A very restless night.