Hopping mad.....

Cousin Andrew's restaurant regularly appeared in lists of Edinburgh's best places to eat. And delighted though he was with such a reputation, he sometimes thought he'd settle for a mobile take-away in a layby, if it meant that Dora would stay away.

Tonight for example, she'd turned up with Marta, Carmelo, and a dreadful Spanish woman who, before she'd even seen a menu, informed him that he was murdering people with sugar and fat.

Much later, when he was trying to get to the bottom of what came to be known as The Spanish Incident, he asked Louise the waitress to explain exactly what had happened.

"Well, s'tricky, init?," she said. "I was taking everyone's order, when the Spanish one, wot had been fiddling wiv 'er purse, suddenly says 'frog' to me.
No I ain't, I says, I'm from 'ere, and anyway that's racist init.
So then she says 'frog in the bag', an I says, wot, is that sumfin like chicken in a basket? Bit 1970s, but I can ask chef if you want.
So then she stands up, tips 'er bag onto the table and screams 'I've got a fu....' I won't use the word wot she used, 'I've got a flippin' frog in me 'andbag.' And sure enough, this little green fing's jumpin' around looking very pleased wiv itself. She starts screamin' 'er 'ead off and madam Dora is crying wiv laughter."

Andrew was mystified. "But why did she have a frog in her handbag?" he asked.

"Beats me Guv. I read about a man once, wot 'ad a pet sea urchin. Took it everywhere wiv him and left it a fortune in 'is will."

Andrew's head was beginning to hurt. Frogs, hysterical Spanish women running round the restaurant upending sugar bowls, and now, wealthy sea urchins.

He decided to lie down. And maybe later, he'd Google burger vans for sale....