Duck!!!!!! (a l'orange.....)

Some of you may know that I'm not desperately keen on birds, since the Unfortunate Incident of days gone by.

But as I was walking innocently home from the supermarket today, I heard the pathetic squawks of a baby seagull; a wee fluffy thing, walking up and down the pavement, clearly distressed.

'Aww, you poor wee soul,' I said to it, 'have you lost your mummy?'

Well no - it bloody hadn't. Out of nowhere, mummy came diving at me, screaming very rude seagull abuse and flapping wildly.

Reader, I ran! But mama followed me, screeching, and flying at my head, trying to peck me....she was furious!

God knows what I must have looked like.....flip-flopping along the road, trying to hide behind cars. A passing woman said to me 'is that seagull with you?' as though there was a possibility that I was merely out for a walk with my pet bird.

Even though I scuttled halfway along the road, she kept chasing me....and eventually I had to defend myself by swinging a bag of oranges above my head, like a pair of citrusy bolas....

Don't worry, bird lovers. No seagulls were damaged.....but my jaffas are a bit bruised and battered (and no....that's not a euphemism!)