Those flashbacks

Been a while since my last blip. Today I wanted to capture life as it is... But didn't want to post it where most people I know could see it. I know people on blip, but those people I feel safe to open my soul to (thank you for that my friends).

This is a long mind stream of words and emotions. Feel free to not read it.

I feel like I'm back to last year. Pap going to cardiac arrest, grandma in danger of losing her leg (and at one point, her life), days, weeks, and months in the hospital, surgeries, and prayers for survival in hope that it is not yet time to say goodbye. Thank God both are still alive. And yet I'm thrown back to that place of trauma and anxiety ridden fear.

Mom texted saying she's taking grandma to the hospital, and I needed to go sit with pap because he wasnt feeling good. Why? I don't know.

My first emotion was the rage that rears its ugly head when mom sends me "you need to...." texts, and then refuses to answer my calls. So many times she expects me to drop everything to rush to whatever she needs. In real urgent situations, yes absolutely. But 9x out of 10, it's not at all an emergency. But since she wouldn't talk to me, I canceled what meetings I had left, and raced to pap's.

On the drive over, the emotion I felt was anxiety and fear. The anger still there, but was being clouded with "what's wrong with pap", "why is grandma in the hospital", and "what if he passes out while I'm there" thoughts.

I pull into the driveway, quickly go inside and see pap laying in his chair, eyes closed and mouth open. At first my heart jumped and my mind went back to that horrific cardiac arrest. I reminded myself he's probably asleep. So I walk over and wiggle his foot. He startles awake, smiles, and says "Well look who's here. How are you today?" *sigh* relief.

I smiled, asked how he was feeling, that I heard he wasn't well, and his response, "I feel good. You woke me up." now my emotions tangle in relief that he's fine, and anger all over again that mom and grandma were way overreacting... Again... About how he's doing.

So here I sit. In the chair I sat in for 3 months while grandma was in the hospital, and pap didn't know who I was, needed to be cooked for, helped to the bathroom, and cleaned up after. Back when life was a cruel game of survival, and at times... Still feels like it is. I'm trying to remind myself that was last year. That it is all over, and everything is OK... But there is just something deep in me that can't get beyond it.

Sitting here in grandma's chair, she in the hospital, and pap reclined in his chair...fear stricken tears take hold.

*deep breath* It's ok. We're ok. It's all OK.