Everything seems too much. Work has been overwhelming. And just when I thought I was doing okay...ish...I’ve slumped. It’s a curious thing that....that process by which things can start to feel a bit better, more robust, and then come crashing down. I feel a little fearful because I’ve been finding work so exhausting and relentless I had put in to see if I could drop a day. It looks like it has been approved and yet once my manager told me on Tuesday afternoon I seem to have gradually hit the buffers. On Wednesday I think I was trying to talk myself into being more robust, along the lines of fake it ‘till you make it but the energy in maintaining that soon dissipated.
I had all sorts of thoughts and ideas of things to do today. Did none of them. Persistently rough sleep, a body that feels like it’s dropped off a cliff and has to be hauled around, battered and broken, a persistent tenacious despair, lassitude, prevarication...to name just a few of my favourite things....all conspire and pulverise me into a deep exhausted desire for oblivion.