Friday night rock and roll

Was asleep by 6pm, wrapped up in the duvet, shutting out the world. Only really got up to have a sandwich at 8pm. Then have been fighting sleep since. However, I am watching Barbaric Genius, a documentary about John Healy, author of the Grass Arena,which is utterly compelling.

I am reacquainted with the sofa. I have accepted that I have to give in now, stop fighting and being a martyr. If I am exhausted, I have to rest. I have to accept that I have a couple more months of pain that consumes me, but long term, I am going to be better. I know I am.

Still doesn't stop me being scared, even when everyone keeps telling me it will be the best thing for me. I know that I am having no more children, I had taken that decision a long time ago. But what is coming is a fundamental change to me, as a woman, and I feel like I shouldn't be feeling emotional about it when it's not going to change the decisions I was going to make and it is going to make me better. I guess I am going to be a bit up and down for a while. I have been genuinely touched today by the care and concern of my colleagues, and one in particular who has found exactly the right balance of humour, sympathy and quiet hugs whenever she has passed me on the corridor. VK - if you read this, I appreciate the way you handled me today. Xx

Thank you for all of your comments yesterday. It means a lot to have such support.