"It wullnae budge, captain!"

Today the steam puffer, 'The Vital Spark,' was immobilised in the Clachnaharry sea lock, after an apparent engine failure.

"Ah told ye, ah needed mair grease," wailed engineer McPhail, "but ye wullnae listen."

"You, know what you are, McPhail," said Para Handy, "you're a former ship engineer."