Thoughts..

Nelles Beach Park - Lake Ontario, Grimsby, Ontario

I came here today to be alone and think of my Mum on her 79th birthday. This was one of a place my Mum used to take us. She too used to come to this very spot when she was young. I still come here to think and let my dogs run on the beach. It is a little hidden gem that only the locals know. Hmmm I guess I just gave it away. Please don't tell them I told you about this peaceful place in the Town of Grimsby.

I felt the need to write this to anyone who will read it. Actually, I just needed to write this for my own personal reasons. It is all probably going to come out in a big mumble-jumble mess, so I guess you can try and make sense of it if you'd like.

I miss my Mum today! This isn't something that troubles me typically; it's been almost 11 years that she's past away. I've learned to carry on just fine. I don't get upset when people ask me about my Mum, or when I have to tell them that she died. I always hear the "I'm so sorry to hear that's", and "I'm sorry I brought it up". You know I am more than happy when someone brings her up! Sometimes I wish I could just sit and talk about her, tell about what a great woman she was. And you know I could, I could talk about her for hours, and I could tell you the stories I remember and the things I know about her or the stories I've heard and continue to hear on occasion. She was crazy, She was fun, She was loud, She was competitive, She was caring, She was strong, and She was responsible, She was plan amazing. But most of all, she was my best friend in the world and my Mum. No one can ever replace a Mum. NO ONE!! No one can take the place of someone who brought you into this world. When I am out and I see mothers and daughters all the time. Whether it is the daughter is 40 years old and the mother 70, or the daughter 17 and the mother 40, or the daughter 6 and the mother 30's, the relationship is something you cannot replace. I watch the mothers, take care of their daughters, watch them joke around, watch them yell...it's something I yearn for.

I am such a happy person. I am such a blessed person. I try not take anything for granted, because I know as soon as you can have something, you can lose something. I cherish and appreciate everything about my life and life in general. Life is too precious to not enjoy every day while you can.

I just miss having my Mum to go out for coffee with, to go shopping with and I miss her laugh. I miss her loud mouth. And I know she would have embarrassed me to high hell if she were still here. And I know ALL of you would have loved her; that's just the kind of person she was. I wish that I could just come home and talk to my Mum, tell her all about my problems and my aspirations to be a fashion designer, an artist, make up artist and how I became a Rehabilitation Therapist because I wanted to help people find their way back into the world that was taken away from them. And I know she would help me try and reach my goals with all she could. I know things would have been a lot different with her here, a lot easier in fact.

I cannot complain, for I have the most amazing friends and family. They help me through everything and support me all they can. My cousin let me borrow this book called "Lovely Bones". It was amazing, and I've even cried from reading it. In fact it is what made me start crying and thinking of my mom more. It's about this young girl, who gets killed and goes to heaven, and she gets to watch her family and friends continue on life without her. The way the book describes heaven is really interesting, in fact, it's pleasant, but at the same time it is sorrowful, because the one thing that she wants is to be on earth with her family and friends, but she cannot be there. It makes me wonder what my mom thinks, how she feels, if she's really up they're watching me continue my life without her. I wonder if she sees me cry and wishes she could be here. Wondering doesn't really do anybody any good anyway. It's just all thoughts that cloud up your mind and toy with your emotions.

I would do anything to see my Mum just one more time. Just to talk to her, just to touch her or just to hug her one last time and tell her i love her and miss her. But I know she is watching over me, taking care of me still. I feel her every day. I know she is there. But it's hard sometimes really hard. I know I'll see her again one day. Sorry for rambling.

I just want to Wish My Mother a Happy 79th Birthday and tell her I'll love her forever.