Thorny mysteries

Based on combined 2009 to 2014 data, an annual average of 8.7 million children aged 17 or younger live in households in the United States with at least one parent who had a Substance Use Disorder (SUD). --Report of Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration, 2017.

The adult grandchildren and I have been discussing what it means to be the child of a parent with a Substance Use Disorder. There are differences according to a child’s birth order, the substance a parent is addicted to, and the depth of the parent’s addiction when each child was born. Each child’s DNA and brain chemistry is unique, and some children have been affected by substances transmitted through amniotic fluid when they were fetuses. Some children survive addicted parents, develop resilience, and learn skillful parenting. How does that happen? Other children become susceptible to addiction themselves or fail to recognize addictive behaviors in adult partners who seem “normal.” Sometimes substance use goes on in generation after generation. We speak of stigma, of judgment, of trauma. What if a parent did their absolute best, and their best was not good enough? We ask how to create healthy lives going forward. We lovingly face the truth that parents with addictions deserve the same respect, patience, and tenderness as parents with cancer or diabetes, and this is difficult. We listen, learn, cry, laugh, and regard the mystery. We are amazed by the courage and ingenuity of each person impacted by this suffering. We love each other forward, we hold the suffering. We want to be more skillful, more wise, more stable, more present for the children.