Surviving The Journey

Dear O'H dear and Lovely Tea Jenny,

I have been using the bus for a while now and I think I have for the hang of the unwritten commuter rules...

When boarding, one must perform a strategic assessment worthy of an MI5 officer to establish the best seat. This will be either

a. The jackpot empty seat with no one sitting next to it or

b. The seat next to the person least likely to start a conversation.

People immediately eliminated from this selection process include

1. Anyone who makes eye contact, even for a fleeting moment

2. Vague acquaintances

3. Manspreaders

4. Those displaying the symptoms of TB.

For the young and self conscious, anyone vaguely fanciable will also be eliminated but this no longer applies to me as I am more likely to get excited about passing a newly opened chippy.

During the bus journey, everyone in a window seat must stare intently out of the window and those in aisle seats should stare straight ahead.

Everyone must pretend that the seats are big enough for two people, and they don’t have more body contact with the complete stranger sitting next to them than they have had with most of their close friends and family.

In the unlikely event that someone should attempt to engage the person next to them in conversation, all other passengers will look slightly panicked and then relieved that they didn’t choose THAT seat. EVERYONE MUST LOOK AWAY.

HEADPHONES ARE ESSENTIAL. Even if they aren’t connected to a device. Sitting on a bus without them is pure folly and the traveller only has him or herself to blame for any consequences.

All passengers intending to alight at the next stop should ring the bell. The driver LOVES that and may forgot to stop if it only rings 5 times.

There is no need for anyone in the aisle to move (or remove rucksacks) for anyone trying to pass. If Total Wipeout is looking to make their obstacle courses more challenging, they need look no further than a no 24 in rush hour for inspiration!

Maybe I’ll Uber tomorrow!

C