Cough Art

My Dear Princess & Dear Fellows,

I love this picture of Punky that Cazza sent me. He's just adorable. Having said that I was seriously torn, because I also love the extra of him, grinning goofily at the camera. He's a handsome chap.

But that is not what I was going to talk about today. I was going to talk about a conversation we had in the office.

Smock was randomly lecturing us about colloquialisms and how we should avoid them when dealing with off-shore colleagues.

I understand this. I remember when I worked at Scottish Government, Anand took me to one side. We had worked together for some time, and worked really well together. Plus his English language skills were impeccable. Better than mine. Still, something perplexed him.

"Symon," he asked me earnestly, "what on earth is a 'starter for ten'?"

It never occurred to me before, but once he said it I realised this often comes up from clueless managers in meetings.

I explained. "Oh," he said, disappointed. I think he was expecting something more substantial from our idiot delivery manager.

Again at Scottish Government we were in a meeting that was getting pretty intense. It was at this point that Naveen mentioned his "cat and chicken" issues. 

Pardon?

It took a while before we realised he meant "chicken and egg". But it was a welcome distraction. 

But these things go the other way too. I told Lemon and Paeroa about German phrases Auslaender has taught me. In Germany, if you need to  "get the cow off the ice" you have a thorny problem you need to solve*. 

Even better was when Auslaender told me that the German phrase for something which has failed, is that it has "gone in its trousers".

Auslaender never told me what exactly that means. But I think we all know.

Paeroa shared the term he learned while working with Americans. Apparently in Texas, they have "Come To Jesus" moments at work. Which is like an epiphany, a breakthrough revelation wherein the angels sing, the waters part and Alan Sugar hires you.

By sharp contrast, you can also have "Come To Jesus" meetings, he said. These are meetings where you are given the hard word and told to get your sh*t back in one sock. And then Alan Sugar fires you.

Meanwhile, Lemon worked with an American who organised an idea-sharing meeting. Only he didn't call it that. He called it an "Open Kimono" session. 

"Not only that," she said, "but he did a mime when he said it." 

Lemon mimed someone opening their kimono and flashing you. With god knows what. 

"Uuuurgh!!!" we all said. I threatened to schedule a regular "Open Kimono Session" for the team. But perhaps I'd better not. I think that could go south really quickly.

Smock then broke up our little cultural tour of the world. She coughed a couple of times but it made a noise like this:

COUGH-COUGH-thbbbppptpppp
COUGH-thbbppppp
COUGH-thbbppptppptppp!!

I'm definitely not the only one who heard. Paeroa sat up and turned around. And he beat a hasty retreat shortly afterward I noticed. And just as well too before she went in her trousers.

S.

* Correct me if I'm wrong, Fat Pete.