John McClane Saves Christmas (Again)

My Dear Princess & Dear Fellows,

Today we headed up to Paraparaumu for Christmas with LouLou and Tiger. 

Now I have heard several pronunciation versions of this name. Most people seem to call it Para-para-oo-moo. Which is fun to say.

However, a bloke on the radio called it Pa-rapa-roh-moo. That is probably more correct, but less fun so eff it, Para-para-oo-moo it is.

We sat outside and had bagels and I got EATEN ALIVE by bugs. LouLou commented that this was one of the drawbacks of country living. She then warned us that, despite setting traps next to their woodpile, they had basically set up a "cockroach hotel" outside their cosy cottage.

"I picked up a trap and found a cockroach living under it," she commented sourly. "It was sticking up a middle finger at me."

LouLou is lovely and had apparently invited everyone she knows over to theirs for Xmas. She was concerned about people being left on their own. Even while we sat in the sun, she was still coming up with names. "It MIGHT be a bit late," commented Tiger. "And anywyay, where will they sleep?"

As it was, there was an American fellow named Kyle there, and Joshua just passing through on his way to his parents at Taupo. We had fish & chips for tea and drank all day in the sun. The plan was to go inside in the evening and watch "Die Hard" on Netflix which is the best Xmas film ever* yes it is shut up.

"OH MY GOD!" said Tiger. "They've taken it down!"

It was true. No "Die Hard". How could this be???

"There's 'Love Actually'," said Tiger in complete horror. But no. Just no. This will not stand.

Fortunately, I had brought a STICK. And if you know me at all, you know that I always have a handy stick of tv goodness on me at all times. After our curry-meeting with the gang a week or so beforehand, I had filled it with telly just in case. My stick has the following on it:

A Christmassy Ted
Frasier - the episode where Niles gets his dad high at Xmas
Still Game - Hogmanay Special
Lethal Weapon (set at Xmas)
Top of the Pops Xmas Special 1984
DIE HARD

I was also considering "The Generation Game" 1973 Xmas special. But I think that would be too UK for the Kiwis. Maybe I'll save it for Boxing Day.

But anyway! Yes! I totally saved Xmas! So Tiger did the necessary hooking up and before you know it, Alan Rickman was being a great bank robber and Bruce Willis was balling his feet in shag carpet**.

We also managed to fit in "A Christmassy Ted" which is the one with the largest lingerie department in Ireland (so I've heard). So I was very happy.

In the midst of all this was Tiger & LouLou's shy little cat. She is not, as previously reported, named "Jazzy", that was their previous cat. This cat is named "Lulu" which is bloody confusing, considering that I have blip-named LouLou already. Dammit.

Lulu Cat wasn't shy for long. My wife, the cat whisperer, hung out on the floor and found a piece of string which was irresistible to pussycats.  Soon the pair of them were best mates and Lulu Cat was coming around and checking us all out. 

However, I took today's blip earlier in the evening. If you spotted the kitty under the tree, well done.

And so this is Christmas. I wish you all a wonderful day with your whanau. Lots of love to all of you xxxx.

S.

* In 2003, when I was on the Standard Life Movie Club committee, I organised a special showing of a Xmas film and gave the members options of Xmas films to vote for. And then I tried to abuse my position to rig the vote so that "Die Hard" won because guns. 

Annoyingly, the stupid, stupid members voted for "It's A Wonderful Life" instead. I know! The same film that the EFFING CAMEO SHOWS EVERY YEAR AT XMAS ANYWAY.

So I made up for it by going to the pub with Mad Dog beforehand and getting embarrassingly drunk and heckling all the way through the movie. "Rubbish! Where's Alan Rickman?!" etc.

And now actual PROPER cinemas have figured it out and show "Die Hard" at Christmastime. I was totally ahead of my time, man.

** This sounds ruder than I meant it to.