Blocked

My Dear Princess & Dear Fellows,

I got a couple of WhatsApp messages from Auslaender this morning.

"Broadsword calling Danny Boy... Broadsword calling Danny Boy..."

And then another one about an hour later. 

"Of course now the fillum is over..."

I apologised for not responding earlier, but as I explained to him, Cazza and I had been busy tidying the flat in anticipation of a visit from LB. I immediately got a message back - 

"She'll need to have a poo you know."

I feel bad about this. Somehow I seem to have given the impression to everyone I know that LB always poos when she comes to visit on account of that is always what she does. 

However, that did not happen this time. She hurried into the flat, the same kicking off of shoes and depositing of bags as ever though. "Oh my god! What is this country doing to my f***ing hair?!? I look like a f***ing llama!"

We very quickly settled back into our old patterns. Really, within an hour of LB's arrival it could have been us at any time between 1999 and 2018. Reality tv was on, snacks were delivered and mags were being flung back and forth.

But no poo. LB has been on a healthy diet in Edinburgh, but the rulebook has been cast aside here in NZ. She has been on a solid diet of Scorched Almonds, Raspberry Slices, Cheezels and other NZ treats since she arrived. As a result she's a bit backed up.

Her mum and dad did not help. They are older people with a need for regular weewee breaks. This is not conducive to relaxation for a woman on a mission.

"Right. I'm going to the toilet and I'M TAKING A MAGAZINE," she would announce. "Does anyone need to wee?"

Her parents assured her they did not. But sure enough, five minutes into potential poo, there would come a knock at the door, and an enquiry as to what was taking so long. Thus causing shy poos to panic and go back up to poo heaven.

"For f***'s sake," exclaimed LB, "they are worse than my nephews! I can't get a decent poo at my sister's either!"

We are administering coffee and curry. I'll keep you updated as events unfold.

S.

p.s. There is a massive puhutukawa tree that grows outside our back window. Isn't it lovely?