Charon’s ferry appears to have run aground ...
Something has been afoot for a while and I have kept meaning to note it here. At first it was rather tentative... https://www.blipfoto.com/entry/2508070835273599227
But then it seems to have been noticeably consistent. I haven’t quite known how to write about it because it seems on the one hand so simple, and yet, on the other, so complicated.
I’ve been feeling happy, perfectly happy. I’m not entirely sure what that really means but I realise how very deeply depressed I have been for over the last six and a half years and now I have been feeling differently. I have been constantly ambivalent about living in all that time. It has varied, of course, but if push came to shove the balance has always been towards jumping in Charon’s boat. Now it isn’t. I feel, for now at least, free of the burden of trying to be here, of the excruciating effort of trying to keep going, day in and day out. For six and a half years every day has felt like a supreme effort. I have despaired at my losses, I have wept great seas of missing, loathed myself and my inadequacies, felt such shame at the paucity and unworthiness of my very being, felt such pain that self evisceration could be the only conceivable option.

And now, seemingly quite suddenly, I seem to be free of the pull and the suck of the mud and am walking the firm sand of the land.

I know it may not last but that is living this life...rather than willing it’s end.