Arachnophobia...

This is the thing that I'm probably most proud of myself for. It may seem like nothing to some, for others it will be too much. Unless you've suffered a phobia, I don't think you really understand what it's like. This problem took over my life and it seemed to get worse as I got older. I delayed moving out of my parent's house because of it well that and it was REALLY cheap to live at home!! but there came a point when I knew that I had to deal with my problem. I used to come home from work and check every room before I even took my coat off. It was like a sixth sense... if there was a spider in the room then I saw it. I was bothered at home by spiders the size of this one. My Dad bought me a spider hoover thing, I managed to break it on the first use with the sheer force that I pressed the button down with.

I've turned up on my neighbours doorstep hysterical, begging him to come and help me. He said afterwards that he thought that someone had died, the state I was in. I think the last straw was when I called my brother to calm myself down after a particularly HUGE incident and I was on the phone for 10 minutes before I could actually speak.

Suffering panic attacks from irrational fear is horrendous. There's a part of you that knows, deep down that you're being utterly ridiculous only there's nothing you can actually do about it. I couldn't sleep properly afterwards, I was still upset the next day and it just became unbearable. It took me a very long time to find the courage to help myself. With hindsight always the way! I would have done something about it way before I did, years before! If you suffer from this sort of phobia, it's very easy to fix and you should most definitely ask your GP for help. My GP referred me to psychotherapist who I saw for about eight weeks. I couldn't have looked at this photo prior to being cured, never mind have got close enough to have taken it. I went to Waterstones to buy a book on spiders and I had to make sure that someone had put it in the bag for me before I arrived so that I didn't have to look at it. I took it back to work and the boys in the mailroom stuck post-it notes over all of the pictures in the book. I still have the book with all the post-it notes but now I can peel them off and look at the photos underneath without so much as a shudder.

The therapist was brilliant although I can't actually tell you how she cured me, well I can, cognitive behavioural therapy... but I've no idea how she did it. I shook every time I saw her but we worked through it and I went from being okay holding a money spider, to taking Gavin (a spider she'd found in her garage and put in a jar for me) back to work with me... that bus journey was a little on the sweaty side let me tell you, to spending a Saturday afternoon in the pet shop, the staff were brilliant and used to bring me a tarantula to sit on the counter (in a glass box!) while I stood six feet away, shaking with tears streaming down my face and having people stare at me, to actually holding Rosemary the tarantula at the butterfly farm. I have photographic evidence! I wouldn't do that again in a hurry and I still jump when I find one at home but now my rational brain takes over and I very calmly catch the spider... yes I catch them and take them outside. Don't throw them out the window... apparently their lungs are like concertinas and they can't inflate with that sort of fall... you'd be as well standing on them.

That was back in 2004 and it really was the best thing I've ever done. Having a phobia can be seriously debilitating and if you know someone who suffers, it's never clever to catch a spider and pretend to throw it at them... never ever do that. Take a moment to try and understand the enormity of being unable to control your fear to the extent that you're hyperventilating, causing a bit of a scene and completely unable to do anything sensible about it. If you suffer from this, then go and get help... find the courage and do it, you will feel the biggest sense of relief and the pride I feel when I catch one of these fuckers and then take pictures of it makes me grin from ear to ear. To be a control freak and have no control did not make me happy!

130 sleeps!