Like the Snow that falls in the River...

we had a most lovely day today.    Himself and I headed to the allotment first thing - and checked out the new plot and made decisions in our head as to how we wanted it. 

The kids headed down to town to meet with Boy's pal who is getting married tomorrow. 

After  introducing J to Gregs' sausage roll we headed on a whistle stop tour of Ayrshire.   We started with the Electric Brae, or as the residents call it, Croy Brae.     Then Dunure Castle. (Why is it when your kids have left home for 9 years, you revert to paranoid mother and scream incessantly, "don't climb up there..." "stay safe"  "Please don't".)

After Dunure, we stopped off at the Burns Heritage Museum and checked out the Spooky Graveyard  from Tam O'Shanter, and his cottage.  

Then it was Marky Sparky and we were soon heading to Troon for Fish and Chips for Dinner.  

It was then that the week took a rather sad turn.

My beloved Nant - featured first 9 years ago  - has been living in a nursing home for the last 9 months.  Her health was deteriorating to the point where it wasn't safe for her to be in the house alone any more.    

Initially we were all delighted - her included.  She was walking more and further than she had in years.  She had new people to talk to, there were activities.  And Men :-)  It was ideal.  She should have moved there years before. 

Sadly,  she suffered vasovagals - faints for no reason at all. It was one of these which initially caused her broken hip which left her housebound.  The vasovagals returned, and sometimes the faints were prolonged and no one could find any reason for them occuring. 

Over the last few months -  her health has deteriorated. Spending more time dozing and becoming unresponsive.   The care home had told us today that her breathing had changed and she was slowly slipping away. 

I didn't take Boy in with me - I wanted him to remember his Nant as she was when he was last home; laughing and joking with him and his pal in the pub.   I didn't take himself in with me, I just wanted time with my Nant. 

My cousin was there when I arrived, but left shortly after.   I sat and chatted, told her of our trip out, of the wedding the next day, of Tooli's adventures.   I held up my phone and showed her all the latest photos, and I could see her reaction.  I continued showing her photos and telling her stories.  

I reminded her of the night we had sat alone with Nunk - her husband - and the giggles we had had.  I reminded her that it was her I ran away to; the one time I ran away from home.  

Himself phoned me and said he was there to collect me, but I told him to go, I was going to stay a little longer.   I had only been chatting a little longer when the door knocked and he came in too.    I cried for a wee while, and I told him I was fine, and he should go and entertain the kids. 

When he came round to say bye to me and her "see ya later Aligator" he said - we got a definite indication of recognition.   She always did prefer him over me :-) 

I read to her from a selection of really awful magazines, and I apologised profusely for having bought them.     

It was then I realised that she was getting agitated.  I moved from the side of the bed I was on to the other, and she settled, but when I coughed again - she indicated more agitation. 

Then I thought, why?  And then I realised.  She didn't; want me sitting there.  She wanted me to be at home with the Kids while they were home. I could hear her voice in my head.   Everytime I called in to see her I got "why are you here, you should be at home, after work"   "Don't you need to be at home", it was the same all over again. 

So I called himself and told him I was ready to come home.   

And I said my goodbyes.   

We were leaving in a couple of days, and I knew that I wouldn't see my lovely Nant again.   But as I said bye bye,  she settled again, and I knew I was doing exactly what she wanted me to. 

And although I broke my heart to go I knew that I had done the right thing.