There’s no doubt about it. It’s there as a pervasive presence. I know it’s nonsense but it just fills the space around it. It looks at me and I look at it. The days around it get booked up and it steadily forces itself upon me. It’s space expands to fill the room. How does it do that? It is as if it has a life and will of its own and exerts itself as a presence that I know I will have to make choices about. I did think of booking it off as it falls on from the weekend. But that then creates a whole new scenario where I wonder what to do and a crisis of indecision inevitably follows. So it’ll be a work day but I’m aware of managing that and the kind of work that will be okay. I was aware of not booking certain things, conscious already of preoccupation.
It’ll pass, I know that. Just another day. So many conflicting possibilities...marking the day, doing something special, scatter ashes (yes, there’s still lots more), do something just very nice, relax quietly and gently at home, go somewhere new, a change, work as usual and do nothing but coexist with perpetual presence. Gradually as I’ve started to book stuff in the options narrow which is fine. It doesn’t matter; the day has already happened.