The Three of Us

I took a snapshot of an old photograph today. From left to right, that's my brother, cousin (dad's side), and *drumrolls...* ME! I must have been about 3 years old, which makes my bro and cousin around 9 years of age. Wow, this photograph must have been taken about 19 years ago!

I love to go through my family photo albums of the film era (hurrah! we're probably one of the last batches who saw the light of the film camera and not think of it as a relic..!;) ) , which we have loads of at home. Though these past few years, I found it difficult to even look at any of them.. too much memories.. It wasn't until recently when Shihui posted her family's old photographs, did I find myself wanting to revisit my past again.

So I dug the albums out.. flipped through them.. some I smiled at, others, I was unable to let my eyes linger on for too long.. Still, it was nice to look back again, and see how far we've come since then~.

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I came across this Colorgenics Test on Shihui's blog, and decided to take the test too. Shihui's taken it a few times under different circumstances, and each time it yielded a different result. How true is it? *shrugs* I guess it's best to take such things with a pinch of salt.. ;) The following are my results, taken today, 15 April 2007 (Sun) at 1.17am:

You are seeking an affectionate relationship, offering fulfilment and happiness. You are capable of powerful emotional enthusiasm. Deep down, you are a kind loving person, always helpful and willing to adapt yourself if necessary to realise the bond of affection that you desire. But you need the same consideration and understanding from others and it is this need that will sometimes hold you back... so let go, trust and you may pleasantly surprised at what happens.

You like the better things in life. You are sensuous and emotional. You are a follower of the Arts and you seek an environment that will give you the fulfilment to the senses that you need.

Nothing seems to be going right for you and you are thwarted every way you turn. You are not at all happy with the situation but it would appear that there is very little that you can do about it at this time. Sit back and let the situation take its course, because at this time you feel that there is nothing you can do to change whatever needs to be changed.

You are being unduly influenced by the situation that is all around you. You do not like the feeling of loneliness and whatever it is that seems to separate you from others. You know that life can be wonderful and you are anxious to experience life in all its aspects, to live it to the full. You therefore resent any restriction or limitations that are being imposed on you and you insist on going it alone.

You wish to be left in peace... no more conflict and no more differences of opinion. In fact you just don't want to be involved in arguments of any shape or form. All you want is for 'them' to get on with it - and to leave you alone.
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I guess the first two paragraphs are true to some extent.. I haven't really given much thought to what I look out for in a romantic relationship, though I do believe that in every relationship-- even the platonic-- there has to be a good level of respect, trust, space, understanding and communication. I especially love this quote (as shown below) on Shihui's blog, whom she quoted from her friend's blog! lol.. Shihui, excuse me for my constant references to you today! ;)

This is the quote I found so true:

"Real love is not two people clinging to each other. It can only be fostered between two strong people secure in their individuality. A shallow person will only have shallow relationships. If you want to experience real love, it is important first to develop a strong self-identity. True love is not about doing whatever the other person wants you to do, or pretending that you are something you are not. Ideal love is fostered only between two sincere, mature and independent people."

- Daisaku Ikeda, A Piece of Mirror and Other Essays


In comparison to Science, I'm definately more of an "Art-sy" kind of person! haha.. I love to express myself in different ways, whether it be through doodling, photography, acting, singing or dancing (these two I usually do in private so no one else can hear/see-- lest they cringe/laugh at me! ;) ), and writing. Ahh~ =writing=. Growing up, I've more often than not saw myself as socially-anxious, and was constantly frustrated with myself for being unable to verbally convey my thoughts clearly to others right on the spot. Even now, when I'm in front of a large crowd or people whom I'm generally not close to, I find it difficult to articulate properly, and would usually be talking real fast through it. I thank God for giving me another outlet of expression though, this ability to reflect and write, to put my thoughts and feelings into the written word. Thank you Lord! :)

Hmm.. the 3rd paragraph puzzles me.. for besides my inertia in studying, right at this moment, there seems to be nothing else which is of much frustration for me!

I've only taken this test twice, two consecutive days running, and both times I got this 4th paragraph. I'm starting to wonder whether it's trying to tell me something.. ha. Well, I guess I do have my times when I feel isolated from everyone else, and this vague sense of 'emptiness', all which leads me to look inward with some measure of self-doubt, as the anxious part of me starts to question just what is 'wrong' with myself.. While other times, I do appreciate the solitude I get, as I see it as a good chance for me to pray and self-reflect.. I'm also reading Nouwen's "Reaching Out" regarding this, and I found it so true when he mentions that this lonliness/peaceful solitude-- whichever you and I may perceive it to be at a given moment in time-- is not a physical, but rather, an inner state of being of the soul..

The last paragraph.. hmm.. actually it isn't as serious as this part of Colorgenics' "assessment", cos recently there has been much improvement in that. I do frequently think about my dad and bro's relationship with each other, cos sometimes things can get quite heated with their clash of stubbon opinions over a simple topic; and sometimes I just feel quite trapped and frustrated when my dad starts complaining to me about how my bro is, and how he should dress/behave.. It may be based on my own irrational thoughts, but months after my mum's death, I also felt the pressure to keep my dad company over the simplest things such as watching TV or buying groceries, just to divert his attention from thinking sad/foolish thoughts which I feared may plague his mind. It didn't help much that my bro spent most of his time in his room in front of the computer whenever he returned home after the day's work. I think that's partly the reason why I thought of going on an overseas exchange programme last semester (though in the end it fell through), and why I wanted to stay in hall this semester-- to escape, breathe awhile, not stuck in between. I guess I'm still at a stage when I'm chiselling out my self-identity and character.. and I'd treasure much of my space to grow, rather than be enmeshed with the feelings of my dad and/or bro. Sometimes I do think that I'm selfish in this way.. but somehow this space has managed to be of some good for everyone. I do see my brother taking the initiative to come out of his room and talk to my dad about an article in the papers.. or my dad coming to tell both of us of a recent news event.

Yep, so that concludes my reflections on this Colorgenic's test. ;)