Local Windmill, Bavel

Another day with the weather to go out, so we did, to nearby Bavel, where we had a coffee and banana cake (both for AW) plus fresh orange juice for me.

Feeling a little down again today as many, many negative associations drifted out of the bottom drawer to the surface as a result of the legal case that's being prepared by the Viking right now.  Summarizing, actually a lot of people already wanted me kind of dead from the start -- the real set of parents, the step-parents, the people who influenced them earlier and who they influenced later.  Had it not been a crime to do away with me, they would have done so already.  Maybe they should just have done so?  It's not about the reasons why.  I've done the analysis bit so I know why, at least most of it.  It's simply a question of what that atmosphere did to me when I was younger, how it affected and changed me in more ways than I thought.    There are things I would much rather avoid and there are times when I prefer to fight.  I can go round and round in circles figuring out when I choose to do the one and when I choose to do the other.  Whatever I did at the time, I cannot see any reason to blame myself as I had to cope with the circumstances.  What came out of the whole mess when I reached the age of 22 was an angry, bitter, cynical Ellaphant.  I threw away my music, I got rid of all the men, and I also got rid of all the nice clothes and things I had at the time.  I stopped smoking and drinking, and ate the most sober of meals, even when the stepparents took us out.  I didn't expect anyone to give a fck and no one did anyway.  And it is that Ellaphant that I was a bit of today, bucket of salt and all.

Later on, when I felt more settled, I finished correcting three of the nine essays allotted to me, and then did some genealogy research and processed the new info, and played some soothing music, and so the old Ellaphant slowly disappeared.  There was a time when I wondered why it always has to be me who has to go through this, and not 'them'.  People tell me that maybe 'they' went through it all, too, and I should be more compassionate.  At the moment, that is the last thing I feel, if at all.  They should have lived out their lives for themselves and left me to live out mine.  Anyway, I no longer wonder why, as when I go through days like today, I am aware that I am doing it for myself, and that the day will end like any other.  From experience, I know that tomorrow will feel differently and a good night's sleep will do me good.