Thursday

Another busy day at work. I've largely enjoyed the week thus far. 

College tonight went ok. My feeling of being self-conscious is still preventing me from contributing in class. We have to do a 'check-in' at the start of each session, but I'm finding it excruciatingly painful each week, and it's become a bit of a stumbling block. As each person said their bit, I feel more and more stressed knowing that the only one that hasn't said anything is me. My tutor looks at me, I look at her... you get the idea. Today all I could manage was "I don't know how I feel, I don't have anything to say!". 

After that I felt annoyed with myself! Maybe it's just because the group is new, as I did get quite comfortable with speaking up last year. I really like the other people, there's no threat, I think it's just stage fright! 

I did contribute one small thing later on in the discussion, and even though the topic was all about stuff I was really interested in, I didn't manage anything else. 

I'm finding different topics seem to be provoking uncomfortable feelings in me, and I feel a bit tearful. I don't think I'm the only one, but after discussing it with some friends, they felt that this was just the right place to be able to feel what we feel. I'm not sure about that.

The last part of the evening was the personal development group. It was a lot less painful as there was a good group discussion this week, and it felt less awkward, but I found it quite stressful sitting there, and it was only me and another lady who didn't say anything. I'm so confident in myself at school, it's all a bit weird. 

I came home and it was freezing cold, I was tired, and in a way I just wanted to cry! I wanted somebody to run me a bath, make me a cup of tea and give me a hug and say it'll all be ok! I think I just sucked up all of this awkward feeling tonight, and once I was home I felt better.

Maybe I need to allow my emotions to flow rather than trying to squash it all down.