The day my body gave in

Today I hit a wall. Having never been a runner or a cyclist or for that matter a sportsperson of any note, I've never before experienced what the phrase 'to hit the wall' really meant.

Well after today I did. I'm 28 weeks pregnant (not sure that I've mentioned that on blip but there you go, explains a lot about my lack of photos and uploads I guess) and having happily swanned through the past six months without so much as one bad day, today was the day my body declared itself broken (for now at least).

I woke early and well rested after a night where my little ones managed to sleep in their own beds all night (still not an every night occurrence), looked out at the covering of snow (thick but not thick enough) and checked the school closures page on the council's website. I noted happily that although the school would be open it wouldn't start until 10am so I cheerily made myself some coffee and fruit toast and headed back to bed for a bit before needing to wake the boys.

Then, pretty much in the middle of making packed lunches, my body gave in. The shooting pains in my lower back and down my legs that have been there in the background for weeks were back, and stronger than ever and my pelvis ached so badly I thought it might split open. I went back to bed, leaving the rest of the get ready for school shenanigans in my lovely husbands capable hands, eventually summing up enough energy to go for a shower so that I could walk the boys up to school. I managed the shower but not much else for most of the rest of day.

I hate being ill. I never like having to sit back and miss out on things. I know this, I'm prepared for this, but what i was not prepared for was feeling completely fine in my head, with all the same energy and enthusiasm and drive for the things to do today as I had yesterday, but with absolutely zero energy. It was like that horrible feeling when you put your foot on the accelerator in the car and nothing, your foot just hits the floor. I felt so frustrated about no longer being in control of my body. My brain could tell my limbs what to do all it wanted but nothing was going to happen. My greatest accomplishment today was colouring in a shrinky dink aged 5 badge for the little one.

Tonight I went out for a five minute (if that) walk in the snow. I needed the fresh air and I missed the after school sledging and I wanted to crunch through the white stuff incase it disappears again overnight. I feel so much better after my rest today and I'm sure ill be through the wall tomorrow.

Now I know I've made a song and dance out of what it just a normal experience of pregnancy fatigue and its really not a big deal, but I feel like I've hit a bit of a mental wall too.

The fast growing baby inside me is long desired and already well loved but I haven't thought much about it. I ignored the whole idea until the 13 week scan, not expecting it to actually be true and not sure how to feel. Since then life has been a whirlwind of primary 1, October holidays, Christmas preparations, holidays and now birthdays. I've hardly had a moment to think about it, and having felt so well I've not been forced to either. Don't get me wrong we talk about the baby lots in the house and our boys are very excited about having a new sibling, but I've not really thought about it all, and how I will change, again.

I plan to finish work about two weeks before my dd and being the end of the financial year there are a tonne of projects to complete by then. I made a 30 day plan when I went back after Christmas and time is ticking away. Change is coming. I'm beginning to worry about just how close. There are a few different situations in and out of work where I feel a little sidelined already and instead of fighting that I need to just accept the change and deal with it.

Today's wall has helped me to focus on the change coming up and made me realise I have to acknowledge it. Tomorrow the (current) little one turns 5, his superhero party (for 10 little boys) is on Saturday.

After that, it's baby time.