Waves

I don't think it's over-dramatic to say that this feels akin to grief, and that it comes in waves.

One minute I feel accepting, optimistic, resigned, and yet hopeful, the other I feel hopeless and despairing, angry and like I'm close to tears. I've eaten less and less over the last few days, it kind of feels like what's the point? I feel more tired, and it's easy to just zone out and be numbed by watching rubbish. 

Today I tried hard to do what I would normally do- cleaned my house, went for a walk with mum and the dog, and talked to Lucy through her front window. 

I feel cheated out of so many things, but then so does everybody. I am just praying that we get into school before the holidays, and that maybe even college will resume, even though I know it's unlikely. 

My dad is utterly delighted, driving us all nuts saying how wonderful it is..... but I had a life- hobbies like dance and gym, all put on hold. I go to college, see my friends, go to therapy, and that's different now. I love my little class, and I know they'll be struggling with their new normal too. I shall miss the routine, the structure, the predictability off it. After all, each day is painfully the same and yet wonderfully different! 

The only good thing thus far is that it's cemented one hundred per cent that I am happy in the career I chose and have been flamed for since the beginning of time. I've had three days off this week, and I never want to work at home, on the computer, in order to get paid. I knew I loved the sociability of my job, and even though I love to write, I did that at night, in the quiet, and should I choose to write another book, I'd never want to be paid to sit at home in the daytime to write it. I love college and the connection and support from my people, I love meeting up with them outside when we don't get time to talk. 

I think when your family life is shaky, and when you struggle to find your identity as you work through the pain from your past, it highlights how much you rely on all the outside stuff to keep you going.This could not have come at a worse time for me, and if I need to have a cry and acknowledge it then I will. 

I suppose it could be worse, and I'll look back on this experience. But the crux of it is, if you already have anxiety, and it's your normal, then this just makes it harder. The hardest part is sitting with uncertainty, and the fear that comes with the loss of control. But I'm not alone in feeling that. 

So I suppose I'll have to draw upon dear old Gramps's motto for life: "you've gotta count your blessings". 

Apologies for, in the words of my tutor 'verbally vomiting' all over this entry, but I want to remember how crap I feel, so that I'll be able to appreciate the good that will come.