Vigilantes

Hannah’s recent political commentary continues to amuse me. ‘Priti Patel boils my piss’ was another quote I have no argument with. It’s my mate Dan’s birthday so I passed it onto him as a dose of inspiration.

On the theme of Home Secretaries (or recently deposed shadow ones anyway), in my dream, Diane Abbott’s husband died. I don’t even know whether she’s married. There was a celebration of both his life and medical staff, performed on a sort of large open concourse in a formation not dissimilar to line dancing. Keir Starmer was present in the lineup, although as a hunky reality TV version of himself. Hannah informs me that lots of people are experiencing vivid dreams due to the global uncertainty we’re all facing.

On an afternoon cycle towards Trumpington and Shelford in south Cambridge, vigilantes were out in force on the cycle path that follows the guided busway. Most people don’t carry a tape measure and the width available for pedestrians and cyclists totals around two metres maximum, therefore passing anyone breaks the social guidance. The path was used by people who loved any opportunity to hiss ‘two metressss’ as they passed.

The only way to be more than two metres from anyone at all times would be to jump into the busway itself although even then technically when the oncoming bus splatters you over its windscreen you’d be within two metres of the driver. Social distancing fail. As well as death. But at least the hissers would have maintained their distance.

Jobsworths are unable to go to their offices to terrorise colleagues, so they’ve taken anal behaviour to the streets. I’d argue that if you are so concerned and literal about the two metre rule then you should take your daily trot in a wide open field or down the middle of a deserted street, following the dead centre of the camber at all times. Walking on a path of limited width will only serve to raise your blood pressure when you seek reasons to yell at passersby. And none of us would want you to exacerbate underlying heart conditions by getting yourself worked up into a state unnecessarily, would we?

I also do question the true scientific risk of transmitting coronavirus between two cyclists passing in opposite directions 1.5 metres apart, as long as neither are exhibiting symptoms. I feel it must be as close to zero as it’s statistically possible to get, even though a risk theoretically could exist.