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Finally got both the boys off to bed/sleep at 23:00. Went to start work on one of my university assignments and then decided I better write my questions for appointment with the neurosurgeon on Thursday. I researched all the surgeries in depth about six months ago and have been through so many appointments and specialties that I've really reached a point where I don't want to think about it anymore. Actually when covid 19 kicked off and I thought I'm just going to have to deal with it and look after myself it was a relief. I have no idea what he is actually going to say or going to reccomend. There are many things he could say, so I'm trying to cover all bases and ask the important questions and make notes etc by myself as I'm not allowed to take anyone with me. Knowing me though if he says something shocking I might remember very little of anything else. Day to day, I find I live in a kind of denial. It's the easiest way to stay positive, deal with the pain and fatigue and not let it hold me back. Sometimes I think to myself it's ok you are just normal and I have to remind myself no it is not normal to live with these symptoms. It's frustrating but everyday life with the children I can manage just about. If I could work and study in the same way I wouldn't even consider surgery it scares the absolute hell out of me. Namely how do you know you will wake up from it still 'you'? However I'm too young to feel this old and obsolete. 2am rolls around and my head is full of questions, but the page is still empty. Time for bed, I chastise myself I have wasted the evening. No, not a waste. I remind myself that everyone needs thinking time and between toddlers and home-schooling there is not much of that these days. 2.30 am Owen stirs. In the morning I am deleting tik tok. I will have to wait and see what Thursday brings. Goodnight.