Hammer and tongs

The cats were in a funny mood this morning. Restless, suspicious, aggressive with each other, and with me even more standoffish than usual. They were monitoring the garden a lot so I surmised that there had either been overnight antics with the neighbour’s cat, Kerfuffle, or simply that cats are as susceptible to the vagaries of moods as are humans.

It was before 9am and I was talking with a friend about our struggles to switch off from work, which has been a dominant theme of my recent blips. She said it was typical of us to be going ‘hammer and tongs before 9am on a Saturday.’ We struck upon some insights into our experiences and psychologies that resonated, and sounded logical at the time. To summarise, it’s that we see a futility, impatience or aren’t prepared to put in the graft over what are incremental changes that don’t reveal themselves immediately. We all know that practising mindfulness, yoga or healthy eating pay off in the long run, but we want some more immediate gratification, such as by firing off more work emails that make us feel productive. That leaves even less energy for the incremental changes and is what psychologists call self-sabotage. I also know that whilst travel and work overseas have shaped my perspective and given me such rich experiences, the hardship faced by the world sub-consciously makes me punish myself for wanting to indulge in personally enjoyable activities such as yoga, even when the long-term benefits for individuals are proven. To illustrate, at the same time as unpicking these mindsets I was receiving messages from Alfeu, a taxi driver in Tofo, who I met when travelling there. He said his family hadn’t been able to cook anything for three days as there’s no money arriving in the village with the drop-off from tourism.

These exchanges weigh heavy on the mind and in the moment they’re difficult to package away to go and blend up a chia seed and spinach smoothie to look after my long-term wellbeing. Instead in the short term I contribute my part by doing more work to support projects that help in a small way with the world’s awful problems, and this feels more important in the moment than making an incremental improvement to self-care. This all counts as more self-sabotage that doesn’t at all stand up to rational scrutiny. It’s a particular barrier to break at the moment as work is zapping energy and the uncertainty of when the coronavirus limbo will end is creating a fairly futile outlook in my mind.

I was happy to have this conversation as changing habits starts with understanding them. Perhaps these experiences would strike a chord with many. If they resonate with any blip friends I’ll be glad to hear your experiences and how you broke the cycle of this ‘self-sabotaging.’

The sun was bright and lovely so I cycled a few miles to Wandlebury Country Park, which contains a ‘peak’ - Wandlebury Hill - reaching up to 74 metres. On the whole Cambridgeshire is ridiculously flat. I dismounted from my bike for as long as I felt was socially acceptable and then rode back on roads I haven’t cycled down for quite a long time.

One piece of excellent news was received today. A foundation already supporting us in Niassa gifted an extra USD 50,000 to supplement the project and the additional challenges posed by coronavirus disruption. I don’t think I’ve received this type of unprompted support before other than from wealthy individuals. Their generosity and flexibility is very welcome, and I’m grateful.