You won't find the answer

at the bottom of a bottle*.

But what if you put it there? Huh?


I didn't find any answers today. I'm feeling rather low and disillusioned. I got so wound up and worried about my CBT session that everything else went out of the window today. I simply fidgeted and flapped until it was time to leave the house.
Richard and Gemma came into town too and we went for lunch at M&S - where I coughed into the sandwich fridge, and fought back the sniffs and coughs at our table. I don't really notice all the coughing at home now, but in a public place it's really noticeable.

I didn't like the feel of the Depression and Anxiety clinic building. I didn't like the conveyor-belt way they dealt with patients/clients/whatever we are.
I didn't like the big empty room with a tiny table and 2 chairs shoved away in one corner. It reminded me of a building and room I'd invented for a flash fiction story I wrote a couple of years ago - when I had no idea I would be going for therapy myself.

The counsellor I saw was extremely young and girl-like, she looked like someone I knew 20 years ago and even had the same christian name! It was all rather unnerving.
But I suspended my cynicism and doubt and was ready to open up, absorb information and be accepting and open-minded.
Unfortunately I didn't feel that the session achieved anything. It wasn't what I was expecting and I came away feeling deflated and disappointed. By the time I'd got home and thought through the experience I wanted to cry.
I was given sheets of paper, lists, and CBT talk. I'd got it into my head that we would discuss what my problems were so that we could talk about my coping strategies, but instead she just talked about coping strategies.
I didn't expect to be fixed, to come away with solutions. I've been like this all my life and was expecting an uphill struggle. I was also expecting that a lot of the help and changes in behaviour would have to come from within me. But I did expect something more personal and the opportunity to talk and identify particular problems, but there was none of that.

Cold. It felt cold.
I'm tempted to cancel the next appointment but I've been encouraged by a couple of people to stick it out and see how it goes.
I would be really interested to know what it would have been like with a different counsellor, or in a different place.

I took a beta-blocker before I left the house and I didn't really need to.

Back home, I finished and filed the VAT return and paid the tax bills. We now officially have no money.

Gemma's going to be 18 on Sunday and has been trying to sort out ID before next week. Probably something she should have thought of about a month ago.

That's a water bottle in the photo. I'm now thinking about putting the answer at the bottom of a wine bottle.

(*Or is it at "the bottom of a glass"???)